I Was in Vancouver
In dating, we twenty somethings always hope for the best. This hope is often put to the test when it seems that the person you have been eyeing has lost interest in getting to know you any further then they already have. Sometimes you go so far as to make excuses for why they haven't been putting in the proper calls (i.e., "Maybe he lost my number," or "Maybe she's just busy with work," etc), instead of facing the harsh reality that maybe they just weren't interested in pursuing anything with you. And yet sometimes, out of the blue, you will hear from these people again. I'm here to tell you, when that happens, tell them to sod on (or to put it bluntly, "I'M not interested in YOU").
Of course I have a pleasant little experience to share with you all. I was recently seeing a guy named Derek (I don't usually use real names, but his douche baggery was so exceptional, I just couldn't help myself). He seemed cool initially; as I got to know him further there was some questionable behavior that popped up (like carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes though he is in no way employed by the police, or expecting 5 star food from Shari's, just to name a few.) We talked and saw each other for a couple of weeks. Despite my qualms, he still was fun to hang out with and I wanted to give him a valid chance. Then suddenly.....silence. I text him happy Fourth of July. Nothing. I asked him what he was up to one night with the intention of asking him to dinner, my treat. Nothing. After that I figured, nothing ventured nothing gained. I hadn't really gotten to know him that well and some of the traits I saw over those couple weeks had quite frankly become deal breakers.
Then this morning while I was at work, the clock creeping towards 3 A.M., I got a text from Derek saying that he just wanted to say what's up. I texted him back that I figured since I had texted him and gotten no answer, he didn't want to talk to me anymore (Warning: Douchebaggery alert). He text me to "Quit talking crazy" and then used an excuse I have never heard before..."I was in Vancouver, I just didn't have an international plan." Now, I would like to point out that it had been over two weeks since we last spoke, and nearing two weeks since my last text message to him. And he does not work a job that requires him to travel. Vancouver my ass.
The moral to this story you ask? This situation though not a very big deal made me realize that I have hit a milestone: I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I don't have to settle for that crap. Part of me wanted to give him another chance, that hopeful part of me that I sometimes want to beat over the head with a bat of course. But I realized that this guy is a jerk, and I don't have to settle for a jerk. And neither do you.
Who knows why these sudden appearances by loves lost happen. My guess is that Derek was also seeing some other women and one or two peaked his interest a little more then yours truly; at some point things probably didn't work out with them and he decided to saunter back my way for a little ego stroking. You would be surprised how often that happens. I have been on both sides of that table. But I'm here to tell you right now that if you are experiencing the deafening silence of your cell phone for longer then 4 days, leave the person on that island of lost relationship possibilities.
A person that is interested in you is going to call you or text you. They're going to want to talk to you, get to know you, hang out with you. So often we forget this in the face of rejection. I ask you daters to ask yourselves "Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Or am I settling?"
Don't ever settle. Happy dating all!
Of course I have a pleasant little experience to share with you all. I was recently seeing a guy named Derek (I don't usually use real names, but his douche baggery was so exceptional, I just couldn't help myself). He seemed cool initially; as I got to know him further there was some questionable behavior that popped up (like carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes though he is in no way employed by the police, or expecting 5 star food from Shari's, just to name a few.) We talked and saw each other for a couple of weeks. Despite my qualms, he still was fun to hang out with and I wanted to give him a valid chance. Then suddenly.....silence. I text him happy Fourth of July. Nothing. I asked him what he was up to one night with the intention of asking him to dinner, my treat. Nothing. After that I figured, nothing ventured nothing gained. I hadn't really gotten to know him that well and some of the traits I saw over those couple weeks had quite frankly become deal breakers.
Then this morning while I was at work, the clock creeping towards 3 A.M., I got a text from Derek saying that he just wanted to say what's up. I texted him back that I figured since I had texted him and gotten no answer, he didn't want to talk to me anymore (Warning: Douchebaggery alert). He text me to "Quit talking crazy" and then used an excuse I have never heard before..."I was in Vancouver, I just didn't have an international plan." Now, I would like to point out that it had been over two weeks since we last spoke, and nearing two weeks since my last text message to him. And he does not work a job that requires him to travel. Vancouver my ass.
The moral to this story you ask? This situation though not a very big deal made me realize that I have hit a milestone: I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I don't have to settle for that crap. Part of me wanted to give him another chance, that hopeful part of me that I sometimes want to beat over the head with a bat of course. But I realized that this guy is a jerk, and I don't have to settle for a jerk. And neither do you.
Who knows why these sudden appearances by loves lost happen. My guess is that Derek was also seeing some other women and one or two peaked his interest a little more then yours truly; at some point things probably didn't work out with them and he decided to saunter back my way for a little ego stroking. You would be surprised how often that happens. I have been on both sides of that table. But I'm here to tell you right now that if you are experiencing the deafening silence of your cell phone for longer then 4 days, leave the person on that island of lost relationship possibilities.
A person that is interested in you is going to call you or text you. They're going to want to talk to you, get to know you, hang out with you. So often we forget this in the face of rejection. I ask you daters to ask yourselves "Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Or am I settling?"
Don't ever settle. Happy dating all!
What About Me Screams Whore?
Technology is an amazing tool in the dating arena. It's come so far that with just the click of the send button on our cell phones, we can flirt, give our beaus or belles a quick "I love you", or even break up with someone. But what has recently amazed me is just how common the phenomena of "sexting" has become and how it's contributing to what I feel is the continued disrespect and exploitation of women in this society.
This all came to fruition a couple of nights ago. I was spending a quiet evening at home, recovering from a wedding that I was the maid-of -honor in the previous day. I received a random text message from a guy that I had met at a party a few weeks back. He seemed like a nice guy, though I will admit, he was slightly younger then me (yes ladies and gentleman, at the ripe old age of 25, I manage to be a cougar). We were having typical conversation (How are you doing? How's your summer going?, etc) when I happened to mention that I was a little lonely because I spend most nights working as a night auditor at a hotel so I'm not home much during the night. He asked me if I would feel better if he sent me picture.
Now I have to admit, I don't get much of a kick out of guys sending me pics of themselves in any fashion, clothed or unclothed; I get my kicks in person, wink wink. But this guy sent me a photo of himself in which he looked like a common gigolo. I found it rather disgusting. Of course feeling as though he needed one in return, he asked me for a pic. For some reason I felt the need to comply, so I sent one that I had previously taken-definitely not very risque, I may have been showing some cleave but it mostly consisted of my face. He insisted we keep trading dirty pics, to which I immediately replied that I was tired.
In the preceding days, I analyzed this event. The more I analyzed, the more I got pissed off. I just wondered, "When did it become okay for a man who barely knows a woman to ask for pictures of her naked body?" This is not the first time I came across this dilemma and that added to my anger.
These kinds of things make me question what men in our generation and our upcoming generation are being taught about how to treat women. I think the reason why I was so offended by this was because I felt as though he must see me as the kind of girl who has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a man she barely knows. I would like to just say that I in no way carry myself as if I would be okay with that. I respect myself and my body. I try to be a very liberal and open minded thinker and that definitely applies to sexual topics; however, I don't make myself available to any and every man that crosses my path and I resent the implication that I am okay with exposing my body to a man that I just met. I don't care what decade we are in, that's just not me.
Still I wondered, "What about me screams whore?" Then again, just take a look at our society. Sexual exploitation of women is now common place. Hell, just watch an hour of music videos on MTV or BET. Reality television shows, magazines, certain movies-there all guilty of it in some fashion. I really hate to get all fem-bot and make such assertions, but it's an unfortunate reality that no one wants to be confronted with, not even me. My point in this rant is that these kinds of images and stimuli are sending the wrong message to our youth and dare I say it, even men in there twenties. I feel like it's saying "Women are just sexual play things and if a woman doesn't want to make themselves sexually available to a man, there's something wrong with her." Certain behaviors, like sexting, only add to this vicious cycle and guess what? It's only becoming more common among teenagers (by the way, if I ever have children, they're not allowed near a computer or cell phone).
I guess this rant comes after years of having to deal with this kind of treatment from different men that I have conversed with or dated. Even worse, I have felt the need to comply in these kinds of situations to avoid displeasure or awkwardness. But, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I finally stuck up for myself in this situation. A few nights after I received the gigolo picture, I received another text from the same guy, joking that we never finished exchanging pictures. Embroiled by my frustration, I finally told him that I wasn't the kind of girl who did things like that. I haven't hear from him since.
In closing, I just want to put it out there that men really need to think about what there asking a woman to do when they ask her to share their naked body with them, especially when asking them to send it in a picture. Now you might be wondering if I myself have sexted....and yes I have. But it was in the context of an already established relationship where the man I was with had seen my nude body long before I had sent him a picture. In my eyes, asking someone that your not well acquainted to expose themselves in that manner is just disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised if many women complied with this request solely in the effort to please the man and to show her interest. But from here on out, I vow to never do that again. When someone asks "Sext please?" I will reply "No thank you."
This all came to fruition a couple of nights ago. I was spending a quiet evening at home, recovering from a wedding that I was the maid-of -honor in the previous day. I received a random text message from a guy that I had met at a party a few weeks back. He seemed like a nice guy, though I will admit, he was slightly younger then me (yes ladies and gentleman, at the ripe old age of 25, I manage to be a cougar). We were having typical conversation (How are you doing? How's your summer going?, etc) when I happened to mention that I was a little lonely because I spend most nights working as a night auditor at a hotel so I'm not home much during the night. He asked me if I would feel better if he sent me picture.
Now I have to admit, I don't get much of a kick out of guys sending me pics of themselves in any fashion, clothed or unclothed; I get my kicks in person, wink wink. But this guy sent me a photo of himself in which he looked like a common gigolo. I found it rather disgusting. Of course feeling as though he needed one in return, he asked me for a pic. For some reason I felt the need to comply, so I sent one that I had previously taken-definitely not very risque, I may have been showing some cleave but it mostly consisted of my face. He insisted we keep trading dirty pics, to which I immediately replied that I was tired.
In the preceding days, I analyzed this event. The more I analyzed, the more I got pissed off. I just wondered, "When did it become okay for a man who barely knows a woman to ask for pictures of her naked body?" This is not the first time I came across this dilemma and that added to my anger.
These kinds of things make me question what men in our generation and our upcoming generation are being taught about how to treat women. I think the reason why I was so offended by this was because I felt as though he must see me as the kind of girl who has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a man she barely knows. I would like to just say that I in no way carry myself as if I would be okay with that. I respect myself and my body. I try to be a very liberal and open minded thinker and that definitely applies to sexual topics; however, I don't make myself available to any and every man that crosses my path and I resent the implication that I am okay with exposing my body to a man that I just met. I don't care what decade we are in, that's just not me.
Still I wondered, "What about me screams whore?" Then again, just take a look at our society. Sexual exploitation of women is now common place. Hell, just watch an hour of music videos on MTV or BET. Reality television shows, magazines, certain movies-there all guilty of it in some fashion. I really hate to get all fem-bot and make such assertions, but it's an unfortunate reality that no one wants to be confronted with, not even me. My point in this rant is that these kinds of images and stimuli are sending the wrong message to our youth and dare I say it, even men in there twenties. I feel like it's saying "Women are just sexual play things and if a woman doesn't want to make themselves sexually available to a man, there's something wrong with her." Certain behaviors, like sexting, only add to this vicious cycle and guess what? It's only becoming more common among teenagers (by the way, if I ever have children, they're not allowed near a computer or cell phone).
I guess this rant comes after years of having to deal with this kind of treatment from different men that I have conversed with or dated. Even worse, I have felt the need to comply in these kinds of situations to avoid displeasure or awkwardness. But, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I finally stuck up for myself in this situation. A few nights after I received the gigolo picture, I received another text from the same guy, joking that we never finished exchanging pictures. Embroiled by my frustration, I finally told him that I wasn't the kind of girl who did things like that. I haven't hear from him since.
In closing, I just want to put it out there that men really need to think about what there asking a woman to do when they ask her to share their naked body with them, especially when asking them to send it in a picture. Now you might be wondering if I myself have sexted....and yes I have. But it was in the context of an already established relationship where the man I was with had seen my nude body long before I had sent him a picture. In my eyes, asking someone that your not well acquainted to expose themselves in that manner is just disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised if many women complied with this request solely in the effort to please the man and to show her interest. But from here on out, I vow to never do that again. When someone asks "Sext please?" I will reply "No thank you."
