Hey There, Lonely Girl
I know it's been awhile since I last wrote. Honestly, I was waiting for some juicy bits of dating news or crazy adventures to share with you all, but not a whole lot has happened. I'm still a card-carrying member of the Lonely Hearts Club. It has been mostly enjoyable, but recently, I think it's started to catch up with me.
I think there comes a time in every single's life where loneliness seems to creep up on you from no where, almost overwhelming you at times. In your early twenties and even more so in your mid to late twenties, everyone from old school chums to your siblings is settling down; whether it's into relationships, into marriage or into parenthood, it's happening all around you. For those who have been single for sometime and haven't settled down into any of the above commitments, the loneliness that comes and goes can eventually began to take it's toll. And how far down you let that loneliness take you can dictate whether your a happy single, a content single, or a bitter single.
I always say that I have been single for three years; yeah, I've done some dating but my last serious relationship was three years ago. And in that time I have learned a lot, but the biggest thing I have learned about myself is that I am just not willing to settle for less than what I want, in relationships and in life in general. If I am not interested in someone or know that a guy is not my type, I won't waste his or my money and time going out on dates (let us not forget, we are in a recession). But in doing that, I spend a lot of time by myself. And then the loneliness comes. Another unfortunate aspect of loneliness is that if you let it go on for too long, it can fester and breed bitterness and desperation, a fun fact I found out recently.
I did allow my loneliness to get down to that place-that low place where you feel consumed by the hopelessness that is spawned from the thought that you will never find that special person. It's a place that I honestly haven't been to very often, but once I got there I knew I didn't want to stay. It made me wonder how many other people were in that very same spot and how many let the loneliness lead them into depression and even worse, lead them into wanting to just end everything. I didn't get that far thank God, but I understand now how it gets to that point and how quickly depression can develop from loneliness.
I realized how important it is to have people around you, to keep yourself busy and to have different outlets. In my loneliness, I've come up with my own guidelines that you can use to shield yourself from falling into that pit of despair.
1. Tell someone how your feeling.
The hardest obstacle I had to overcome while I was taking up residence in the loneliness pit was admitting that I was lonely. I have a lot of pride and am very independent so I definitely don't like people seeing me sweat. But I found when I would talk to a friend about what I was going through, it made me feel so much better. Just to know that someone was willing to be there and listen to me gave me hope. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what your feeling.
2. Get involved with some extra curriculars.
Part of the reason I think my loneliness got so bad is because all I ever do is go to school and work, but you have to have other outlets. All work and no play will make you a dull girl or boy. I am in the process of volunteering and getting back into exercising. Activities like volunteering or joining a gym (or taking part in any exercise) will not only be good for the community and your health, but it will also allow you to meet other people. Don't be afraid to branch out into other hobbies as well. Take a cooking class or a dance class. I know for those out there who are shy like myself, it can be difficult to push yourself into social situations, but for your well being sometimes you've just gotta do it.
3. Take care of yourself.
When your down in a lonely slump, it can be very easy to engage in some hazardous behavior in regards to your health (trust me, greasy comfort food served as my boyfriend during my lonely days.) But if your not treating yourself right, how is someone else going to know to? When your feeling down, allow yourself some of your old vices, like some good southern food or a big juicy burger, but only in moderation. Unhealthy eating will negatively contribute to your mood and if your not getting all of the proper nutrients your body needs, your physical as well as your mental will suffer. I personally still strive to get the five food groups in my day's meals (Oils and Fats, Dairy, Proteins, Fruits, Grains and Cereals) as corny and old fashioned as that is. Drowning your sorrows in drugs and alcohol is ABSOLUTELY prohibited-alcohol will only make you feel more depressed and drugs will only help you medicate, not actually solve the problem at hand.
I implore everyone who has let loneliness get them down to hang in there. There will be times when you have a special someone in your life and times when you don't. I truly believe that God has his own plans for me and in due time, I'll bump into the right fella. Whatever you believe in, just know that you will probably run into the right person when your not looking for it. In the mean time, don't be afraid to reach out if you need to talk to someone. I'm always here if you need an ear as well. Happy dating all!
If you or someone you know is thinking of committing suicide, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for help.
I think there comes a time in every single's life where loneliness seems to creep up on you from no where, almost overwhelming you at times. In your early twenties and even more so in your mid to late twenties, everyone from old school chums to your siblings is settling down; whether it's into relationships, into marriage or into parenthood, it's happening all around you. For those who have been single for sometime and haven't settled down into any of the above commitments, the loneliness that comes and goes can eventually began to take it's toll. And how far down you let that loneliness take you can dictate whether your a happy single, a content single, or a bitter single.
I always say that I have been single for three years; yeah, I've done some dating but my last serious relationship was three years ago. And in that time I have learned a lot, but the biggest thing I have learned about myself is that I am just not willing to settle for less than what I want, in relationships and in life in general. If I am not interested in someone or know that a guy is not my type, I won't waste his or my money and time going out on dates (let us not forget, we are in a recession). But in doing that, I spend a lot of time by myself. And then the loneliness comes. Another unfortunate aspect of loneliness is that if you let it go on for too long, it can fester and breed bitterness and desperation, a fun fact I found out recently.
I did allow my loneliness to get down to that place-that low place where you feel consumed by the hopelessness that is spawned from the thought that you will never find that special person. It's a place that I honestly haven't been to very often, but once I got there I knew I didn't want to stay. It made me wonder how many other people were in that very same spot and how many let the loneliness lead them into depression and even worse, lead them into wanting to just end everything. I didn't get that far thank God, but I understand now how it gets to that point and how quickly depression can develop from loneliness.
I realized how important it is to have people around you, to keep yourself busy and to have different outlets. In my loneliness, I've come up with my own guidelines that you can use to shield yourself from falling into that pit of despair.
1. Tell someone how your feeling.
The hardest obstacle I had to overcome while I was taking up residence in the loneliness pit was admitting that I was lonely. I have a lot of pride and am very independent so I definitely don't like people seeing me sweat. But I found when I would talk to a friend about what I was going through, it made me feel so much better. Just to know that someone was willing to be there and listen to me gave me hope. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what your feeling.
2. Get involved with some extra curriculars.
Part of the reason I think my loneliness got so bad is because all I ever do is go to school and work, but you have to have other outlets. All work and no play will make you a dull girl or boy. I am in the process of volunteering and getting back into exercising. Activities like volunteering or joining a gym (or taking part in any exercise) will not only be good for the community and your health, but it will also allow you to meet other people. Don't be afraid to branch out into other hobbies as well. Take a cooking class or a dance class. I know for those out there who are shy like myself, it can be difficult to push yourself into social situations, but for your well being sometimes you've just gotta do it.
3. Take care of yourself.
When your down in a lonely slump, it can be very easy to engage in some hazardous behavior in regards to your health (trust me, greasy comfort food served as my boyfriend during my lonely days.) But if your not treating yourself right, how is someone else going to know to? When your feeling down, allow yourself some of your old vices, like some good southern food or a big juicy burger, but only in moderation. Unhealthy eating will negatively contribute to your mood and if your not getting all of the proper nutrients your body needs, your physical as well as your mental will suffer. I personally still strive to get the five food groups in my day's meals (Oils and Fats, Dairy, Proteins, Fruits, Grains and Cereals) as corny and old fashioned as that is. Drowning your sorrows in drugs and alcohol is ABSOLUTELY prohibited-alcohol will only make you feel more depressed and drugs will only help you medicate, not actually solve the problem at hand.
I implore everyone who has let loneliness get them down to hang in there. There will be times when you have a special someone in your life and times when you don't. I truly believe that God has his own plans for me and in due time, I'll bump into the right fella. Whatever you believe in, just know that you will probably run into the right person when your not looking for it. In the mean time, don't be afraid to reach out if you need to talk to someone. I'm always here if you need an ear as well. Happy dating all!
If you or someone you know is thinking of committing suicide, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for help.
I Was in Vancouver
In dating, we twenty somethings always hope for the best. This hope is often put to the test when it seems that the person you have been eyeing has lost interest in getting to know you any further then they already have. Sometimes you go so far as to make excuses for why they haven't been putting in the proper calls (i.e., "Maybe he lost my number," or "Maybe she's just busy with work," etc), instead of facing the harsh reality that maybe they just weren't interested in pursuing anything with you. And yet sometimes, out of the blue, you will hear from these people again. I'm here to tell you, when that happens, tell them to sod on (or to put it bluntly, "I'M not interested in YOU").
Of course I have a pleasant little experience to share with you all. I was recently seeing a guy named Derek (I don't usually use real names, but his douche baggery was so exceptional, I just couldn't help myself). He seemed cool initially; as I got to know him further there was some questionable behavior that popped up (like carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes though he is in no way employed by the police, or expecting 5 star food from Shari's, just to name a few.) We talked and saw each other for a couple of weeks. Despite my qualms, he still was fun to hang out with and I wanted to give him a valid chance. Then suddenly.....silence. I text him happy Fourth of July. Nothing. I asked him what he was up to one night with the intention of asking him to dinner, my treat. Nothing. After that I figured, nothing ventured nothing gained. I hadn't really gotten to know him that well and some of the traits I saw over those couple weeks had quite frankly become deal breakers.
Then this morning while I was at work, the clock creeping towards 3 A.M., I got a text from Derek saying that he just wanted to say what's up. I texted him back that I figured since I had texted him and gotten no answer, he didn't want to talk to me anymore (Warning: Douchebaggery alert). He text me to "Quit talking crazy" and then used an excuse I have never heard before..."I was in Vancouver, I just didn't have an international plan." Now, I would like to point out that it had been over two weeks since we last spoke, and nearing two weeks since my last text message to him. And he does not work a job that requires him to travel. Vancouver my ass.
The moral to this story you ask? This situation though not a very big deal made me realize that I have hit a milestone: I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I don't have to settle for that crap. Part of me wanted to give him another chance, that hopeful part of me that I sometimes want to beat over the head with a bat of course. But I realized that this guy is a jerk, and I don't have to settle for a jerk. And neither do you.
Who knows why these sudden appearances by loves lost happen. My guess is that Derek was also seeing some other women and one or two peaked his interest a little more then yours truly; at some point things probably didn't work out with them and he decided to saunter back my way for a little ego stroking. You would be surprised how often that happens. I have been on both sides of that table. But I'm here to tell you right now that if you are experiencing the deafening silence of your cell phone for longer then 4 days, leave the person on that island of lost relationship possibilities.
A person that is interested in you is going to call you or text you. They're going to want to talk to you, get to know you, hang out with you. So often we forget this in the face of rejection. I ask you daters to ask yourselves "Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Or am I settling?"
Don't ever settle. Happy dating all!
Of course I have a pleasant little experience to share with you all. I was recently seeing a guy named Derek (I don't usually use real names, but his douche baggery was so exceptional, I just couldn't help myself). He seemed cool initially; as I got to know him further there was some questionable behavior that popped up (like carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes though he is in no way employed by the police, or expecting 5 star food from Shari's, just to name a few.) We talked and saw each other for a couple of weeks. Despite my qualms, he still was fun to hang out with and I wanted to give him a valid chance. Then suddenly.....silence. I text him happy Fourth of July. Nothing. I asked him what he was up to one night with the intention of asking him to dinner, my treat. Nothing. After that I figured, nothing ventured nothing gained. I hadn't really gotten to know him that well and some of the traits I saw over those couple weeks had quite frankly become deal breakers.
Then this morning while I was at work, the clock creeping towards 3 A.M., I got a text from Derek saying that he just wanted to say what's up. I texted him back that I figured since I had texted him and gotten no answer, he didn't want to talk to me anymore (Warning: Douchebaggery alert). He text me to "Quit talking crazy" and then used an excuse I have never heard before..."I was in Vancouver, I just didn't have an international plan." Now, I would like to point out that it had been over two weeks since we last spoke, and nearing two weeks since my last text message to him. And he does not work a job that requires him to travel. Vancouver my ass.
The moral to this story you ask? This situation though not a very big deal made me realize that I have hit a milestone: I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I don't have to settle for that crap. Part of me wanted to give him another chance, that hopeful part of me that I sometimes want to beat over the head with a bat of course. But I realized that this guy is a jerk, and I don't have to settle for a jerk. And neither do you.
Who knows why these sudden appearances by loves lost happen. My guess is that Derek was also seeing some other women and one or two peaked his interest a little more then yours truly; at some point things probably didn't work out with them and he decided to saunter back my way for a little ego stroking. You would be surprised how often that happens. I have been on both sides of that table. But I'm here to tell you right now that if you are experiencing the deafening silence of your cell phone for longer then 4 days, leave the person on that island of lost relationship possibilities.
A person that is interested in you is going to call you or text you. They're going to want to talk to you, get to know you, hang out with you. So often we forget this in the face of rejection. I ask you daters to ask yourselves "Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Or am I settling?"
Don't ever settle. Happy dating all!
What About Me Screams Whore?
Technology is an amazing tool in the dating arena. It's come so far that with just the click of the send button on our cell phones, we can flirt, give our beaus or belles a quick "I love you", or even break up with someone. But what has recently amazed me is just how common the phenomena of "sexting" has become and how it's contributing to what I feel is the continued disrespect and exploitation of women in this society.
This all came to fruition a couple of nights ago. I was spending a quiet evening at home, recovering from a wedding that I was the maid-of -honor in the previous day. I received a random text message from a guy that I had met at a party a few weeks back. He seemed like a nice guy, though I will admit, he was slightly younger then me (yes ladies and gentleman, at the ripe old age of 25, I manage to be a cougar). We were having typical conversation (How are you doing? How's your summer going?, etc) when I happened to mention that I was a little lonely because I spend most nights working as a night auditor at a hotel so I'm not home much during the night. He asked me if I would feel better if he sent me picture.
Now I have to admit, I don't get much of a kick out of guys sending me pics of themselves in any fashion, clothed or unclothed; I get my kicks in person, wink wink. But this guy sent me a photo of himself in which he looked like a common gigolo. I found it rather disgusting. Of course feeling as though he needed one in return, he asked me for a pic. For some reason I felt the need to comply, so I sent one that I had previously taken-definitely not very risque, I may have been showing some cleave but it mostly consisted of my face. He insisted we keep trading dirty pics, to which I immediately replied that I was tired.
In the preceding days, I analyzed this event. The more I analyzed, the more I got pissed off. I just wondered, "When did it become okay for a man who barely knows a woman to ask for pictures of her naked body?" This is not the first time I came across this dilemma and that added to my anger.
These kinds of things make me question what men in our generation and our upcoming generation are being taught about how to treat women. I think the reason why I was so offended by this was because I felt as though he must see me as the kind of girl who has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a man she barely knows. I would like to just say that I in no way carry myself as if I would be okay with that. I respect myself and my body. I try to be a very liberal and open minded thinker and that definitely applies to sexual topics; however, I don't make myself available to any and every man that crosses my path and I resent the implication that I am okay with exposing my body to a man that I just met. I don't care what decade we are in, that's just not me.
Still I wondered, "What about me screams whore?" Then again, just take a look at our society. Sexual exploitation of women is now common place. Hell, just watch an hour of music videos on MTV or BET. Reality television shows, magazines, certain movies-there all guilty of it in some fashion. I really hate to get all fem-bot and make such assertions, but it's an unfortunate reality that no one wants to be confronted with, not even me. My point in this rant is that these kinds of images and stimuli are sending the wrong message to our youth and dare I say it, even men in there twenties. I feel like it's saying "Women are just sexual play things and if a woman doesn't want to make themselves sexually available to a man, there's something wrong with her." Certain behaviors, like sexting, only add to this vicious cycle and guess what? It's only becoming more common among teenagers (by the way, if I ever have children, they're not allowed near a computer or cell phone).
I guess this rant comes after years of having to deal with this kind of treatment from different men that I have conversed with or dated. Even worse, I have felt the need to comply in these kinds of situations to avoid displeasure or awkwardness. But, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I finally stuck up for myself in this situation. A few nights after I received the gigolo picture, I received another text from the same guy, joking that we never finished exchanging pictures. Embroiled by my frustration, I finally told him that I wasn't the kind of girl who did things like that. I haven't hear from him since.
In closing, I just want to put it out there that men really need to think about what there asking a woman to do when they ask her to share their naked body with them, especially when asking them to send it in a picture. Now you might be wondering if I myself have sexted....and yes I have. But it was in the context of an already established relationship where the man I was with had seen my nude body long before I had sent him a picture. In my eyes, asking someone that your not well acquainted to expose themselves in that manner is just disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised if many women complied with this request solely in the effort to please the man and to show her interest. But from here on out, I vow to never do that again. When someone asks "Sext please?" I will reply "No thank you."
This all came to fruition a couple of nights ago. I was spending a quiet evening at home, recovering from a wedding that I was the maid-of -honor in the previous day. I received a random text message from a guy that I had met at a party a few weeks back. He seemed like a nice guy, though I will admit, he was slightly younger then me (yes ladies and gentleman, at the ripe old age of 25, I manage to be a cougar). We were having typical conversation (How are you doing? How's your summer going?, etc) when I happened to mention that I was a little lonely because I spend most nights working as a night auditor at a hotel so I'm not home much during the night. He asked me if I would feel better if he sent me picture.
Now I have to admit, I don't get much of a kick out of guys sending me pics of themselves in any fashion, clothed or unclothed; I get my kicks in person, wink wink. But this guy sent me a photo of himself in which he looked like a common gigolo. I found it rather disgusting. Of course feeling as though he needed one in return, he asked me for a pic. For some reason I felt the need to comply, so I sent one that I had previously taken-definitely not very risque, I may have been showing some cleave but it mostly consisted of my face. He insisted we keep trading dirty pics, to which I immediately replied that I was tired.
In the preceding days, I analyzed this event. The more I analyzed, the more I got pissed off. I just wondered, "When did it become okay for a man who barely knows a woman to ask for pictures of her naked body?" This is not the first time I came across this dilemma and that added to my anger.
These kinds of things make me question what men in our generation and our upcoming generation are being taught about how to treat women. I think the reason why I was so offended by this was because I felt as though he must see me as the kind of girl who has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a man she barely knows. I would like to just say that I in no way carry myself as if I would be okay with that. I respect myself and my body. I try to be a very liberal and open minded thinker and that definitely applies to sexual topics; however, I don't make myself available to any and every man that crosses my path and I resent the implication that I am okay with exposing my body to a man that I just met. I don't care what decade we are in, that's just not me.
Still I wondered, "What about me screams whore?" Then again, just take a look at our society. Sexual exploitation of women is now common place. Hell, just watch an hour of music videos on MTV or BET. Reality television shows, magazines, certain movies-there all guilty of it in some fashion. I really hate to get all fem-bot and make such assertions, but it's an unfortunate reality that no one wants to be confronted with, not even me. My point in this rant is that these kinds of images and stimuli are sending the wrong message to our youth and dare I say it, even men in there twenties. I feel like it's saying "Women are just sexual play things and if a woman doesn't want to make themselves sexually available to a man, there's something wrong with her." Certain behaviors, like sexting, only add to this vicious cycle and guess what? It's only becoming more common among teenagers (by the way, if I ever have children, they're not allowed near a computer or cell phone).
I guess this rant comes after years of having to deal with this kind of treatment from different men that I have conversed with or dated. Even worse, I have felt the need to comply in these kinds of situations to avoid displeasure or awkwardness. But, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I finally stuck up for myself in this situation. A few nights after I received the gigolo picture, I received another text from the same guy, joking that we never finished exchanging pictures. Embroiled by my frustration, I finally told him that I wasn't the kind of girl who did things like that. I haven't hear from him since.
In closing, I just want to put it out there that men really need to think about what there asking a woman to do when they ask her to share their naked body with them, especially when asking them to send it in a picture. Now you might be wondering if I myself have sexted....and yes I have. But it was in the context of an already established relationship where the man I was with had seen my nude body long before I had sent him a picture. In my eyes, asking someone that your not well acquainted to expose themselves in that manner is just disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised if many women complied with this request solely in the effort to please the man and to show her interest. But from here on out, I vow to never do that again. When someone asks "Sext please?" I will reply "No thank you."
Guys and Dolls: The Dating Different Standards of Men and Women
This is the first installation of Guys and Dolls, which will consist of blog posts about the differences in dating tactics that men and women utilize. Today's subject is what I like to call, "the call back." This is something I have blogged about in a previous post (see "Waiting For The First Call.....Or Text), but I have a new experience to share.
I recently met a guy while I was out at the bar (don't judge me.) Later that night he and I were having a conversation through text-he seemed real eager to hang out and told me to let him know when a good time would be. Now by doing this, he put the ball in my court-something I have never really had to deal with until now.
Call me a Victorian if you want, but I was raised to believe that it is the guy's job to make the effort of getting a woman's phone number, calling that woman and subsequently pursuing that woman if he was interested. Now of course, in this modern day and age, the traditional roles of men and women have become practically null and void, and even in some cases, interchangeable-women can be dominate or submissive, men can be vulnerable or strong.
I haven't had much experience with pursuing men who didn't express interest in my first. But that isn't just due to the way I was raised. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I have no problem speaking my mind on certain issues. But when it comes to expressing interest in a man first, I am horribly shy. In all honesty, I am terrified of rejection (hey, those sixth grade wounds still sting, okay?)
Even if a guy has shown interest in me, when it's time for me to step up to the plate, I become afraid that he'll change his mind or something. Hey, I've given my phone number to a guy who seemed very interested in getting to know me(he talked to me for a half an hour when we met), then turned around and gave my number to his friend who preceded to hit me up for a booty call on Christmas Eve-remember that horror story? So you could understand why I have to be cautious.
I have realized that at this point in my dating life, I really have nothing to lose. I've been around the gauntlet and back and I've come full circle so to speak. I'm not as afraid of rejection as I once was, but also my timing never seems to be right. Hell, the last time I called a guy, he had practically broken his hip while rollerblading moments before answering his phone and was being carried to the hospital (true story).
So when am I supposed to call this guy? Am I supposed to ask him out or do I wait for him to ask me? If I do ask him out and we go on a date, who is supposed to pay? Will he even answer his phone when I call?
These are all questions I'm curious to know the answers to. I guess I need to get with the times and become a more modern dating thinker. These dating differences between men and women are what make our dating experiences either total miracles or complete disasters. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to comment. Until next time....
Happy dating all!
I recently met a guy while I was out at the bar (don't judge me.) Later that night he and I were having a conversation through text-he seemed real eager to hang out and told me to let him know when a good time would be. Now by doing this, he put the ball in my court-something I have never really had to deal with until now.
Call me a Victorian if you want, but I was raised to believe that it is the guy's job to make the effort of getting a woman's phone number, calling that woman and subsequently pursuing that woman if he was interested. Now of course, in this modern day and age, the traditional roles of men and women have become practically null and void, and even in some cases, interchangeable-women can be dominate or submissive, men can be vulnerable or strong.
I haven't had much experience with pursuing men who didn't express interest in my first. But that isn't just due to the way I was raised. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I have no problem speaking my mind on certain issues. But when it comes to expressing interest in a man first, I am horribly shy. In all honesty, I am terrified of rejection (hey, those sixth grade wounds still sting, okay?)
Even if a guy has shown interest in me, when it's time for me to step up to the plate, I become afraid that he'll change his mind or something. Hey, I've given my phone number to a guy who seemed very interested in getting to know me(he talked to me for a half an hour when we met), then turned around and gave my number to his friend who preceded to hit me up for a booty call on Christmas Eve-remember that horror story? So you could understand why I have to be cautious.
I have realized that at this point in my dating life, I really have nothing to lose. I've been around the gauntlet and back and I've come full circle so to speak. I'm not as afraid of rejection as I once was, but also my timing never seems to be right. Hell, the last time I called a guy, he had practically broken his hip while rollerblading moments before answering his phone and was being carried to the hospital (true story).
So when am I supposed to call this guy? Am I supposed to ask him out or do I wait for him to ask me? If I do ask him out and we go on a date, who is supposed to pay? Will he even answer his phone when I call?
These are all questions I'm curious to know the answers to. I guess I need to get with the times and become a more modern dating thinker. These dating differences between men and women are what make our dating experiences either total miracles or complete disasters. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to comment. Until next time....
Happy dating all!
Is This Love That I'm Feeling?
I just wanna say I really like your blog. I think the work that you're doing is
special. Anytime someone does something out of the goodness of their heart for the benefit of others, I'm convince that they're doing something special. So I respect and admire that fact. My situation is that I recently met a young lady through an online dating site. I think she's everything that I've wanted in a woman. Truthfully, I'm very picky. That's why I'm still single, I guess. I've got this profile for perfection in my head. She's got to be intelligent, attractive, sense of humor,avant-guarde, most importantly have a community spirit, someone who's genuinely friendly. From what I gather, she meets and sometimes exceeds all these expectations. But........always a but. I just found out that she just recently broke up with her ex. I mean I don't know all the details. But I imagine that means she might not be especially open for a relationship. I'm afraid if I push, she'll just have these walls up because she needs healing. At the same time, I don't know if I should wait. I mean she hasn't really express a very strong interest either. So I'm a bit in limbo. What makes it even worse is that she lives really far? So I'm not sure what to do. What do you think? Should I move on? How do I encourage her to get to know me? I'm a little bit nervous. Am I taking the risk of being a 'rebound'? I don't think I've felt like this since high school. It's kinda weird!
~Joe
Dear Joe:
Only time will tell in this situation. I love the excitement you experience when you first meet someone that you think you could really be with. Often times when we experience that though, we run the risk of being too eager. Especially because she just broke up with her ex and she lives far away, I would say approach this situation with trepidation.
Another thing we have a tendency to do when we really like someone is we put all of our eggs in one basket, banking all of our dating hopes and dreams on that one person. Then if it doesn't work out, the disappointment can be quite the downer. Don't be afraid to keep putting yourself out there and dating other people. You might find a situation that will work better for you in the process.
Whatever happens with your situation, remember that your a catch...that's the mentality you have to have. Don't take it personally if things don't work out with this one. If I've learned anything, it's that when things in life don't work out, it's because something better is waiting for you down the line. Good luck my friend!
~LaLa
special. Anytime someone does something out of the goodness of their heart for the benefit of others, I'm convince that they're doing something special. So I respect and admire that fact. My situation is that I recently met a young lady through an online dating site. I think she's everything that I've wanted in a woman. Truthfully, I'm very picky. That's why I'm still single, I guess. I've got this profile for perfection in my head. She's got to be intelligent, attractive, sense of humor,avant-guarde, most importantly have a community spirit, someone who's genuinely friendly. From what I gather, she meets and sometimes exceeds all these expectations. But........always a but. I just found out that she just recently broke up with her ex. I mean I don't know all the details. But I imagine that means she might not be especially open for a relationship. I'm afraid if I push, she'll just have these walls up because she needs healing. At the same time, I don't know if I should wait. I mean she hasn't really express a very strong interest either. So I'm a bit in limbo. What makes it even worse is that she lives really far? So I'm not sure what to do. What do you think? Should I move on? How do I encourage her to get to know me? I'm a little bit nervous. Am I taking the risk of being a 'rebound'? I don't think I've felt like this since high school. It's kinda weird!
~Joe
Dear Joe:
Only time will tell in this situation. I love the excitement you experience when you first meet someone that you think you could really be with. Often times when we experience that though, we run the risk of being too eager. Especially because she just broke up with her ex and she lives far away, I would say approach this situation with trepidation.
Another thing we have a tendency to do when we really like someone is we put all of our eggs in one basket, banking all of our dating hopes and dreams on that one person. Then if it doesn't work out, the disappointment can be quite the downer. Don't be afraid to keep putting yourself out there and dating other people. You might find a situation that will work better for you in the process.
Whatever happens with your situation, remember that your a catch...that's the mentality you have to have. Don't take it personally if things don't work out with this one. If I've learned anything, it's that when things in life don't work out, it's because something better is waiting for you down the line. Good luck my friend!
~LaLa
Beauty Is Only Skin Deep....Right?
So I have committed the cardinal sin in the blogging world: I left my blog idle while I was living life. For shame, forgive me. I'll try not to do that again.
It's been a month of interesting and unexpected changes. My ex and I had another round and I even brought him home to meet the family before we finally parted ways for good. I had to face some harsh realities after our last bout; the fact is, I am guilty of the same crime that a lot of women are guilty of-I have a tendency to date the same person over and over again.
Obviously I am talking more figuratively then literally, but all the same, I do it. Now I try not to write blogs that are specifically targeted towards one sex, but I find I must do it in this case.
I think a lot of women, once they have been through relationship after relationship after relationship, try to figure out where they are going wrong. Women are the denial queens; they deny they pick the wrong men, ignore red flags and even when they know that a problem exists, they refuse to do anything to change it, hoping maybe a change will just happen naturally.
I have made a practice of this myself. I have also found that I choose men probably the same way that men choose women-judging how physically attractive I find them. Now physical attraction is a natural characteristic that everyone looks for in a mate. But I have gotten to the point that if I don't find a man physically attractive, I can't date him. That dog just won't hunt.
Part of this probably comes from the fact that I have been spoiled. I have dated some pretty good looking men in my time. But I am also attracted to good looking men with a sense of accomplishment. I've dated pro athletes, musicians, advertising executives, military men. All good looking and all with a strong sense of ambition.
But the thing they have in common is how the relationships end. And it boils down to one simple fact: I'm picking the wrong men.
Of course this realization leads me to other questions, but the one that continues to boggle my mind is "If your attracted to a certain kind of person, but you can't seem to have a successful relationship with that type, how do you change what your attracted to?" It's a question that I'm having a hell of a time answering.
Now I'm not here to brag about all of the attractive men that I have dated, though I have to admit I've been very lucky. The fact is, I would trade in every attractive guy that I have ever known for a fulfilling relationship, whether it was with an accomplished man or Joe Schmo. I've just been trying to figure out, if what your attracted to doesn't work, how do you change what naturally gets you going?
I'm on a quest to find answers to this questions because I want to know if you can change it and how to go about that. One thing I attempted to do recently was date some men that I found less attractive-I thought that was the natural progression in changing but before my ass could even sit down at a restaurant for a first date, I was out of there.
I know I sound like a superficial, pretentious boob right now. I definitely feel like one even admitting something like this. But that is the first step to overcoming denial...admitting you have a problem.
It's been a month of interesting and unexpected changes. My ex and I had another round and I even brought him home to meet the family before we finally parted ways for good. I had to face some harsh realities after our last bout; the fact is, I am guilty of the same crime that a lot of women are guilty of-I have a tendency to date the same person over and over again.
Obviously I am talking more figuratively then literally, but all the same, I do it. Now I try not to write blogs that are specifically targeted towards one sex, but I find I must do it in this case.
I think a lot of women, once they have been through relationship after relationship after relationship, try to figure out where they are going wrong. Women are the denial queens; they deny they pick the wrong men, ignore red flags and even when they know that a problem exists, they refuse to do anything to change it, hoping maybe a change will just happen naturally.
I have made a practice of this myself. I have also found that I choose men probably the same way that men choose women-judging how physically attractive I find them. Now physical attraction is a natural characteristic that everyone looks for in a mate. But I have gotten to the point that if I don't find a man physically attractive, I can't date him. That dog just won't hunt.
Part of this probably comes from the fact that I have been spoiled. I have dated some pretty good looking men in my time. But I am also attracted to good looking men with a sense of accomplishment. I've dated pro athletes, musicians, advertising executives, military men. All good looking and all with a strong sense of ambition.
But the thing they have in common is how the relationships end. And it boils down to one simple fact: I'm picking the wrong men.
Of course this realization leads me to other questions, but the one that continues to boggle my mind is "If your attracted to a certain kind of person, but you can't seem to have a successful relationship with that type, how do you change what your attracted to?" It's a question that I'm having a hell of a time answering.
Now I'm not here to brag about all of the attractive men that I have dated, though I have to admit I've been very lucky. The fact is, I would trade in every attractive guy that I have ever known for a fulfilling relationship, whether it was with an accomplished man or Joe Schmo. I've just been trying to figure out, if what your attracted to doesn't work, how do you change what naturally gets you going?
I'm on a quest to find answers to this questions because I want to know if you can change it and how to go about that. One thing I attempted to do recently was date some men that I found less attractive-I thought that was the natural progression in changing but before my ass could even sit down at a restaurant for a first date, I was out of there.
I know I sound like a superficial, pretentious boob right now. I definitely feel like one even admitting something like this. But that is the first step to overcoming denial...admitting you have a problem.
The Break Up Season
A disturbing turn of events this week has made me come to a conclusion-Spring time is break up time.
I used to think that Spring was the season of budding love...two people becoming acquainted with one another just as the sun is beginning to shine and flowers are blooming. Most of my relationships have had there beginnings in the spring. It's a great time to find someone because it's the season where everyone is coming out from underneath their Winter rocks and rejoining humanity again.
Unfortunately, this is not such a great time for couples who are already in full fledged relationships. For some, Spring is when some better halves get a little antsy and start itching to be free. It's the preamble to the coming Summer madness. I think in general, it's just a time when relationship problems become glaringly evident.
This week was a tough one for me. I witnessed two of my dearest female friends suffering through marital problems with their husbands. I will not disclose exactly what their problems were, all I can say is that one of the girl's is currently holed up at her parent's house separated from her husband, and the other one is debating calling off an upcoming wedding ceremony (the two are legally married, they just have yet to have the wedding.)
And then there's me. This week, I broke up with my ex, again. We had such a good time together and I really felt like I was falling in love with him. Unfortunately, he did not understand that when in a long distance situation, you have to put in more effort than if you lived in the same city. Our communication was strained which resulted in me not being able to trust him. After things didn't change, I decided to end it.
Seeing what my friends were going through and then evaluating my own situation, I had a bit of a breakdown. I felt horrible for my friends. I just sat in my room and cried as I thought about what they must be going through. I mean, I'm just a single gal going through a break up; they are legally and spiritually bound to their spouses and in one of the cases, a child is involved.
Still though, I found my own situation pretty depressing. I'm suffering through the break up blues at the moment but I know I did the right thing. I learned that I will not settle for anything less than what I want-a committed, monogamous relationship. One that involves the right amount of communication and one where a strong foundation of trust has been built. I'm sure I will expand on this in a future post.
For now though, I just want to help my friends get through these difficult times. I know I'll be fine, I've been here enough so I know the coping strategies like the back of my hand. But my girls may have a long road ahead of them.
I used to think that Spring was the season of budding love...two people becoming acquainted with one another just as the sun is beginning to shine and flowers are blooming. Most of my relationships have had there beginnings in the spring. It's a great time to find someone because it's the season where everyone is coming out from underneath their Winter rocks and rejoining humanity again.
Unfortunately, this is not such a great time for couples who are already in full fledged relationships. For some, Spring is when some better halves get a little antsy and start itching to be free. It's the preamble to the coming Summer madness. I think in general, it's just a time when relationship problems become glaringly evident.
This week was a tough one for me. I witnessed two of my dearest female friends suffering through marital problems with their husbands. I will not disclose exactly what their problems were, all I can say is that one of the girl's is currently holed up at her parent's house separated from her husband, and the other one is debating calling off an upcoming wedding ceremony (the two are legally married, they just have yet to have the wedding.)
And then there's me. This week, I broke up with my ex, again. We had such a good time together and I really felt like I was falling in love with him. Unfortunately, he did not understand that when in a long distance situation, you have to put in more effort than if you lived in the same city. Our communication was strained which resulted in me not being able to trust him. After things didn't change, I decided to end it.
Seeing what my friends were going through and then evaluating my own situation, I had a bit of a breakdown. I felt horrible for my friends. I just sat in my room and cried as I thought about what they must be going through. I mean, I'm just a single gal going through a break up; they are legally and spiritually bound to their spouses and in one of the cases, a child is involved.
Still though, I found my own situation pretty depressing. I'm suffering through the break up blues at the moment but I know I did the right thing. I learned that I will not settle for anything less than what I want-a committed, monogamous relationship. One that involves the right amount of communication and one where a strong foundation of trust has been built. I'm sure I will expand on this in a future post.
For now though, I just want to help my friends get through these difficult times. I know I'll be fine, I've been here enough so I know the coping strategies like the back of my hand. But my girls may have a long road ahead of them.
