LaLa in Seattle

I know it's been awhile since I last wrote. Honestly, I was waiting for some juicy bits of dating news or crazy adventures to share with you all, but not a whole lot has happened. I'm still a card-carrying member of the Lonely Hearts Club. It has been mostly enjoyable, but recently, I think it's started to catch up with me.

I think there comes a time in every single's life where loneliness seems to creep up on you from no where, almost overwhelming you at times. In your early twenties and even more so in your mid to late twenties, everyone from old school chums to your siblings is settling down; whether it's into relationships, into marriage or into parenthood, it's happening all around you. For those who have been single for sometime and haven't settled down into any of the above commitments, the loneliness that comes and goes can eventually began to take it's toll. And how far down you let that loneliness take you can dictate whether your a happy single, a content single, or a bitter single.

I always say that I have been single for three years; yeah, I've done some dating but my last serious relationship was three years ago. And in that time I have learned a lot, but the biggest thing I have learned about myself is that I am just not willing to settle for less than what I want, in relationships and in life in general. If I am not interested in someone or know that a guy is not my type, I won't waste his or my money and time going out on dates (let us not forget, we are in a recession). But in doing that, I spend a lot of time by myself. And then the loneliness comes. Another unfortunate aspect of loneliness is that if you let it go on for too long, it can fester and breed bitterness and desperation, a fun fact I found out recently.

I did allow my loneliness to get down to that place-that low place where you feel consumed by the hopelessness that is spawned from the thought that you will never find that special person. It's a place that I honestly haven't been to very often, but once I got there I knew I didn't want to stay. It made me wonder how many other people were in that very same spot and how many let the loneliness lead them into depression and even worse, lead them into wanting to just end everything. I didn't get that far thank God, but I understand now how it gets to that point and how quickly depression can develop from loneliness.

I realized how important it is to have people around you, to keep yourself busy and to have different outlets. In my loneliness, I've come up with my own guidelines that you can use to shield yourself from falling into that pit of despair.

1. Tell someone how your feeling.

The hardest obstacle I had to overcome while I was taking up residence in the loneliness pit was admitting that I was lonely. I have a lot of pride and am very independent so I definitely don't like people seeing me sweat. But I found when I would talk to a friend about what I was going through, it made me feel so much better. Just to know that someone was willing to be there and listen to me gave me hope. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what your feeling.

2. Get involved with some extra curriculars.

Part of the reason I think my loneliness got so bad is because all I ever do is go to school and work, but you have to have other outlets. All work and no play will make you a dull girl or boy. I am in the process of volunteering and getting back into exercising. Activities like volunteering or joining a gym (or taking part in any exercise) will not only be good for the community and your health, but it will also allow you to meet other people. Don't be afraid to branch out into other hobbies as well. Take a cooking class or a dance class. I know for those out there who are shy like myself, it can be difficult to push yourself into social situations, but for your well being sometimes you've just gotta do it.

3. Take care of yourself.

When your down in a lonely slump, it can be very easy to engage in some hazardous behavior in regards to your health (trust me, greasy comfort food served as my boyfriend during my lonely days.) But if your not treating yourself right, how is someone else going to know to? When your feeling down, allow yourself some of your old vices, like some good southern food or a big juicy burger, but only in moderation. Unhealthy eating will negatively contribute to your mood and if your not getting all of the proper nutrients your body needs, your physical as well as your mental will suffer. I personally still strive to get the five food groups in my day's meals (Oils and Fats, Dairy, Proteins, Fruits, Grains and Cereals) as corny and old fashioned as that is. Drowning your sorrows in drugs and alcohol is ABSOLUTELY prohibited-alcohol will only make you feel more depressed and drugs will only help you medicate, not actually solve the problem at hand.

I implore everyone who has let loneliness get them down to hang in there. There will be times when you have a special someone in your life and times when you don't. I truly believe that God has his own plans for me and in due time, I'll bump into the right fella. Whatever you believe in, just know that you will probably run into the right person when your not looking for it. In the mean time, don't be afraid to reach out if you need to talk to someone. I'm always here if you need an ear as well. Happy dating all!

If you or someone you know is thinking of committing suicide, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for help.

In dating, we twenty somethings always hope for the best. This hope is often put to the test when it seems that the person you have been eyeing has lost interest in getting to know you any further then they already have. Sometimes you go so far as to make excuses for why they haven't been putting in the proper calls (i.e., "Maybe he lost my number," or "Maybe she's just busy with work," etc), instead of facing the harsh reality that maybe they just weren't interested in pursuing anything with you. And yet sometimes, out of the blue, you will hear from these people again. I'm here to tell you, when that happens, tell them to sod on (or to put it bluntly, "I'M not interested in YOU").

Of course I have a pleasant little experience to share with you all. I was recently seeing a guy named Derek (I don't usually use real names, but his douche baggery was so exceptional, I just couldn't help myself). He seemed cool initially; as I got to know him further there was some questionable behavior that popped up (like carrying a gun with him everywhere he goes though he is in no way employed by the police, or expecting 5 star food from Shari's, just to name a few.) We talked and saw each other for a couple of weeks. Despite my qualms, he still was fun to hang out with and I wanted to give him a valid chance. Then suddenly.....silence. I text him happy Fourth of July. Nothing. I asked him what he was up to one night with the intention of asking him to dinner, my treat. Nothing. After that I figured, nothing ventured nothing gained. I hadn't really gotten to know him that well and some of the traits I saw over those couple weeks had quite frankly become deal breakers.

Then this morning while I was at work, the clock creeping towards 3 A.M., I got a text from Derek saying that he just wanted to say what's up. I texted him back that I figured since I had texted him and gotten no answer, he didn't want to talk to me anymore (Warning: Douchebaggery alert). He text me to "Quit talking crazy" and then used an excuse I have never heard before..."I was in Vancouver, I just didn't have an international plan." Now, I would like to point out that it had been over two weeks since we last spoke, and nearing two weeks since my last text message to him. And he does not work a job that requires him to travel. Vancouver my ass.

The moral to this story you ask? This situation though not a very big deal made me realize that I have hit a milestone: I have finally gotten to the point where I know that I don't have to settle for that crap. Part of me wanted to give him another chance, that hopeful part of me that I sometimes want to beat over the head with a bat of course. But I realized that this guy is a jerk, and I don't have to settle for a jerk. And neither do you.

Who knows why these sudden appearances by loves lost happen. My guess is that Derek was also seeing some other women and one or two peaked his interest a little more then yours truly; at some point things probably didn't work out with them and he decided to saunter back my way for a little ego stroking. You would be surprised how often that happens. I have been on both sides of that table. But I'm here to tell you right now that if you are experiencing the deafening silence of your cell phone for longer then 4 days, leave the person on that island of lost relationship possibilities.

A person that is interested in you is going to call you or text you. They're going to want to talk to you, get to know you, hang out with you. So often we forget this in the face of rejection. I ask you daters to ask yourselves "Am I giving this person the benefit of the doubt? Or am I settling?"

Don't ever settle. Happy dating all!

Technology is an amazing tool in the dating arena. It's come so far that with just the click of the send button on our cell phones, we can flirt, give our beaus or belles a quick "I love you", or even break up with someone. But what has recently amazed me is just how common the phenomena of "sexting" has become and how it's contributing to what I feel is the continued disrespect and exploitation of women in this society.


This all came to fruition a couple of nights ago. I was spending a quiet evening at home, recovering from a wedding that I was the maid-of -honor in the previous day. I received a random text message from a guy that I had met at a party a few weeks back. He seemed like a nice guy, though I will admit, he was slightly younger then me (yes ladies and gentleman, at the ripe old age of 25, I manage to be a cougar). We were having typical conversation (How are you doing? How's your summer going?, etc) when I happened to mention that I was a little lonely because I spend most nights working as a night auditor at a hotel so I'm not home much during the night. He asked me if I would feel better if he sent me picture.

Now I have to admit, I don't get much of a kick out of guys sending me pics of themselves in any fashion, clothed or unclothed; I get my kicks in person, wink wink. But this guy sent me a photo of himself in which he looked like a common gigolo. I found it rather disgusting. Of course feeling as though he needed one in return, he asked me for a pic. For some reason I felt the need to comply, so I sent one that I had previously taken-definitely not very risque, I may have been showing some cleave but it mostly consisted of my face. He insisted we keep trading dirty pics, to which I immediately replied that I was tired.


In the preceding days, I analyzed this event. The more I analyzed, the more I got pissed off. I just wondered, "When did it become okay for a man who barely knows a woman to ask for pictures of her naked body?" This is not the first time I came across this dilemma and that added to my anger.


These kinds of things make me question what men in our generation and our upcoming generation are being taught about how to treat women. I think the reason why I was so offended by this was because I felt as though he must see me as the kind of girl who has no problem sending naked pictures of herself to a man she barely knows. I would like to just say that I in no way carry myself as if I would be okay with that. I respect myself and my body. I try to be a very liberal and open minded thinker and that definitely applies to sexual topics; however, I don't make myself available to any and every man that crosses my path and I resent the implication that I am okay with exposing my body to a man that I just met. I don't care what decade we are in, that's just not me.

Still I wondered, "What about me screams whore?" Then again, just take a look at our society. Sexual exploitation of women is now common place. Hell, just watch an hour of music videos on MTV or BET. Reality television shows, magazines, certain movies-there all guilty of it in some fashion. I really hate to get all fem-bot and make such assertions, but it's an unfortunate reality that no one wants to be confronted with, not even me. My point in this rant is that these kinds of images and stimuli are sending the wrong message to our youth and dare I say it, even men in there twenties. I feel like it's saying "Women are just sexual play things and if a woman doesn't want to make themselves sexually available to a man, there's something wrong with her." Certain behaviors, like sexting, only add to this vicious cycle and guess what? It's only becoming more common among teenagers (by the way, if I ever have children, they're not allowed near a computer or cell phone).

I guess this rant comes after years of having to deal with this kind of treatment from different men that I have conversed with or dated. Even worse, I have felt the need to comply in these kinds of situations to avoid displeasure or awkwardness. But, and I'm embarrassed to admit this, I finally stuck up for myself in this situation. A few nights after I received the gigolo picture, I received another text from the same guy, joking that we never finished exchanging pictures. Embroiled by my frustration, I finally told him that I wasn't the kind of girl who did things like that. I haven't hear from him since.

In closing, I just want to put it out there that men really need to think about what there asking a woman to do when they ask her to share their naked body with them, especially when asking them to send it in a picture. Now you might be wondering if I myself have sexted....and yes I have. But it was in the context of an already established relationship where the man I was with had seen my nude body long before I had sent him a picture. In my eyes, asking someone that your not well acquainted to expose themselves in that manner is just disrespectful. I wouldn't be surprised if many women complied with this request solely in the effort to please the man and to show her interest. But from here on out, I vow to never do that again. When someone asks "Sext please?" I will reply "No thank you."

This is the first installation of Guys and Dolls, which will consist of blog posts about the differences in dating tactics that men and women utilize. Today's subject is what I like to call, "the call back." This is something I have blogged about in a previous post (see "Waiting For The First Call.....Or Text), but I have a new experience to share.

I recently met a guy while I was out at the bar (don't judge me.) Later that night he and I were having a conversation through text-he seemed real eager to hang out and told me to let him know when a good time would be. Now by doing this, he put the ball in my court-something I have never really had to deal with until now.

Call me a Victorian if you want, but I was raised to believe that it is the guy's job to make the effort of getting a woman's phone number, calling that woman and subsequently pursuing that woman if he was interested. Now of course, in this modern day and age, the traditional roles of men and women have become practically null and void, and even in some cases, interchangeable-women can be dominate or submissive, men can be vulnerable or strong.

I haven't had much experience with pursuing men who didn't express interest in my first. But that isn't just due to the way I was raised. I'm a pretty outgoing person and I have no problem speaking my mind on certain issues. But when it comes to expressing interest in a man first, I am horribly shy. In all honesty, I am terrified of rejection (hey, those sixth grade wounds still sting, okay?)

Even if a guy has shown interest in me, when it's time for me to step up to the plate, I become afraid that he'll change his mind or something. Hey, I've given my phone number to a guy who seemed very interested in getting to know me(he talked to me for a half an hour when we met), then turned around and gave my number to his friend who preceded to hit me up for a booty call on Christmas Eve-remember that horror story? So you could understand why I have to be cautious.

I have realized that at this point in my dating life, I really have nothing to lose. I've been around the gauntlet and back and I've come full circle so to speak. I'm not as afraid of rejection as I once was, but also my timing never seems to be right. Hell, the last time I called a guy, he had practically broken his hip while rollerblading moments before answering his phone and was being carried to the hospital (true story).

So when am I supposed to call this guy? Am I supposed to ask him out or do I wait for him to ask me? If I do ask him out and we go on a date, who is supposed to pay? Will he even answer his phone when I call?

These are all questions I'm curious to know the answers to. I guess I need to get with the times and become a more modern dating thinker. These dating differences between men and women are what make our dating experiences either total miracles or complete disasters. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to comment. Until next time....

Happy dating all!

I just wanna say I really like your blog. I think the work that you're doing is
special. Anytime someone does something out of the goodness of their heart for the benefit of others, I'm convince that they're doing something special. So I respect and admire that fact. My situation is that I recently met a young lady through an online dating site. I think she's everything that I've wanted in a woman. Truthfully, I'm very picky. That's why I'm still single, I guess. I've got this profile for perfection in my head. She's got to be intelligent, attractive, sense of humor,avant-guarde, most importantly have a community spirit, someone who's genuinely friendly. From what I gather, she meets and sometimes exceeds all these expectations. But........always a but. I just found out that she just recently broke up with her ex. I mean I don't know all the details. But I imagine that means she might not be especially open for a relationship. I'm afraid if I push, she'll just have these walls up because she needs healing. At the same time, I don't know if I should wait. I mean she hasn't really express a very strong interest either. So I'm a bit in limbo. What makes it even worse is that she lives really far? So I'm not sure what to do. What do you think? Should I move on? How do I encourage her to get to know me? I'm a little bit nervous. Am I taking the risk of being a 'rebound'? I don't think I've felt like this since high school. It's kinda weird!
~Joe

Dear Joe:

Only time will tell in this situation. I love the excitement you experience when you first meet someone that you think you could really be with. Often times when we experience that though, we run the risk of being too eager. Especially because she just broke up with her ex and she lives far away, I would say approach this situation with trepidation.

Another thing we have a tendency to do when we really like someone is we put all of our eggs in one basket, banking all of our dating hopes and dreams on that one person. Then if it doesn't work out, the disappointment can be quite the downer. Don't be afraid to keep putting yourself out there and dating other people. You might find a situation that will work better for you in the process.

Whatever happens with your situation, remember that your a catch...that's the mentality you have to have. Don't take it personally if things don't work out with this one. If I've learned anything, it's that when things in life don't work out, it's because something better is waiting for you down the line. Good luck my friend!

~LaLa

So I have committed the cardinal sin in the blogging world: I left my blog idle while I was living life. For shame, forgive me. I'll try not to do that again.

It's been a month of interesting and unexpected changes. My ex and I had another round and I even brought him home to meet the family before we finally parted ways for good. I had to face some harsh realities after our last bout; the fact is, I am guilty of the same crime that a lot of women are guilty of-I have a tendency to date the same person over and over again.

Obviously I am talking more figuratively then literally, but all the same, I do it. Now I try not to write blogs that are specifically targeted towards one sex, but I find I must do it in this case.

I think a lot of women, once they have been through relationship after relationship after relationship, try to figure out where they are going wrong. Women are the denial queens; they deny they pick the wrong men, ignore red flags and even when they know that a problem exists, they refuse to do anything to change it, hoping maybe a change will just happen naturally.

I have made a practice of this myself. I have also found that I choose men probably the same way that men choose women-judging how physically attractive I find them. Now physical attraction is a natural characteristic that everyone looks for in a mate. But I have gotten to the point that if I don't find a man physically attractive, I can't date him. That dog just won't hunt.

Part of this probably comes from the fact that I have been spoiled. I have dated some pretty good looking men in my time. But I am also attracted to good looking men with a sense of accomplishment. I've dated pro athletes, musicians, advertising executives, military men. All good looking and all with a strong sense of ambition.

But the thing they have in common is how the relationships end. And it boils down to one simple fact: I'm picking the wrong men.

Of course this realization leads me to other questions, but the one that continues to boggle my mind is "If your attracted to a certain kind of person, but you can't seem to have a successful relationship with that type, how do you change what your attracted to?" It's a question that I'm having a hell of a time answering.

Now I'm not here to brag about all of the attractive men that I have dated, though I have to admit I've been very lucky. The fact is, I would trade in every attractive guy that I have ever known for a fulfilling relationship, whether it was with an accomplished man or Joe Schmo. I've just been trying to figure out, if what your attracted to doesn't work, how do you change what naturally gets you going?

I'm on a quest to find answers to this questions because I want to know if you can change it and how to go about that. One thing I attempted to do recently was date some men that I found less attractive-I thought that was the natural progression in changing but before my ass could even sit down at a restaurant for a first date, I was out of there.

I know I sound like a superficial, pretentious boob right now. I definitely feel like one even admitting something like this. But that is the first step to overcoming denial...admitting you have a problem.

A disturbing turn of events this week has made me come to a conclusion-Spring time is break up time.

I used to think that Spring was the season of budding love...two people becoming acquainted with one another just as the sun is beginning to shine and flowers are blooming. Most of my relationships have had there beginnings in the spring. It's a great time to find someone because it's the season where everyone is coming out from underneath their Winter rocks and rejoining humanity again.

Unfortunately, this is not such a great time for couples who are already in full fledged relationships. For some, Spring is when some better halves get a little antsy and start itching to be free. It's the preamble to the coming Summer madness. I think in general, it's just a time when relationship problems become glaringly evident.

This week was a tough one for me. I witnessed two of my dearest female friends suffering through marital problems with their husbands. I will not disclose exactly what their problems were, all I can say is that one of the girl's is currently holed up at her parent's house separated from her husband, and the other one is debating calling off an upcoming wedding ceremony (the two are legally married, they just have yet to have the wedding.)

And then there's me. This week, I broke up with my ex, again. We had such a good time together and I really felt like I was falling in love with him. Unfortunately, he did not understand that when in a long distance situation, you have to put in more effort than if you lived in the same city. Our communication was strained which resulted in me not being able to trust him. After things didn't change, I decided to end it.

Seeing what my friends were going through and then evaluating my own situation, I had a bit of a breakdown. I felt horrible for my friends. I just sat in my room and cried as I thought about what they must be going through. I mean, I'm just a single gal going through a break up; they are legally and spiritually bound to their spouses and in one of the cases, a child is involved.

Still though, I found my own situation pretty depressing. I'm suffering through the break up blues at the moment but I know I did the right thing. I learned that I will not settle for anything less than what I want-a committed, monogamous relationship. One that involves the right amount of communication and one where a strong foundation of trust has been built. I'm sure I will expand on this in a future post.

For now though, I just want to help my friends get through these difficult times. I know I'll be fine, I've been here enough so I know the coping strategies like the back of my hand. But my girls may have a long road ahead of them.

It's been awhile since I last wrote-my sincere apologies. A lot has happened and I didn't feel I would be doing this blog justice if I didn't assess everything first.

I want to start off by saying that in the last two months, I have learned a great deal about what it is to start a relationship. More so, I have learned a lot about what happens when you finally decide to take the risk of getting hurt and offer up your trust.

My ex-boyfriend and I are officially back together. It's definitely a weird feeling-I mean, I went without a relationship for quite sometime and I never thought I'd see the day when I would be in one again. I reluctantly use the title "boyfriend"; I almost wish there was another name that was equally as appropriate but not so juvenile.

I have to say, he has taught me so much. Since we've been seeing each other again, I learned things about myself that I didn't know. I learned that when I am afraid of being vulnerable, I push people away. I learned that my over analyzing often gets in the way of me really enjoying a relationship.

I learned that trust is the hardest thing for me to give of myself, but it is the most important thing you give someone you're in a relationship with. I learned that I have to let go and just hope for the best, instead of being pessimistic in the effort to guard myself from pain.

But the most important thing I learned from all of this is that, sometimes when in the pursuit of love and happiness, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A RISK.

That's right folks. There is no way of getting around it. I was in a situation where I could either A) Pre-emptively break up with him to avoid the risk of heartbreak, or B) Give in and allow the Trust Express to pick me up. Funny thing is, I tried option A...but it didn't work.

At one point, there were some issues I was having with my beau that just started to get under my skin. And though I did not communicate these issues to him, I decided the best thing to do was break up. I wrote him the break up email-honestly, it was the email I always expected to write him because the pessimism deeply rooted inside me was telling me it was never going to work. Later that day I got a phone call from him. He said he thought everything was fine and then I blindside him with this email about how I don't want to be with him anymore. I was committing a cardinal relationship sin: I didn't communicate.

I've done a lot to push him away but what's made this time different from the other time and the other men is that he pushed back. I gave him many chances to walk away from me and he didn't.

So this is ultimately what it comes down to: Maybe our relationship will work this time and maybe it won't (I've considered both options.) But I am never going to know unless I give it a shot. I read a quote in a relationship article that said "Sometimes being smart about love means taking a risk."

To those out there contemplating whether you will sink or swim, I encourage you, take the risk. Regardless of the result, you will come out on top because of what you learn from the experience. Happy dating all!

Aside from the beginning stages of dating, you know what else really grinds my gears? That in between phase that exists where your not quite exclusive but your not quite nonexclusive with someone. When your dating and you begin acting like a couple but when someone asks you who that guy or girl is you don't really know how to answer.

Whoever said dating is supposed to be an enjoyable experience clearly never experienced it. For a woman, dating can be a stressful experience, especially when we're seeing someone we really like. We just want things to go well so a relationship can be formulated. If only things were that black and white. I think the biggest thing I wonder while attending this circus called "My So-Called Dating Life" is, what is the tipping point that takes you from potential couple to exclusive duo?

Dozens of relationship articles have been written about it. But what is the defining factor that ultimately defines the relationship? It's my opinion that in the majority of potential relationships out there, one person has what you might call "the upper-hand." Now "the upper-hand" is often in the form of baggage that has to be worked around in order to maintain the relationship (whether it's a previous bad relationship, baby mommas drama or that long criminal wrap sheet, just to throw a few out there.) So the equation is simple-the person with the most baggage dictates the course of the relationship-the other person has to work around and accept that baggage, or walk away.

This is an incredibly frustrating rule, one that ultimately makes or breaks relationships. But does that mean the tipping point is when the person with the most baggage decides the person they're dating can handle their baggage?

This is what I think about a lot of times...the anatomy of a relationship, how it begins, what happens throughout the duration and how it ends. Though many of these situations are related to my own personal dating life, I still think about these things when it's not. This is one mystery I have yet to solve.

Of course every situation is going to be different, so every potential couple arrangement probably has different tipping points. I think the biggest tipping point where I decide if someone is relationship material is when I face a trial or tribulation with someone and make it through; whether it's your first big disagreement, or dealing with family situations or even distance. I think once you get over that first big hump, whatever it is, you might be able to make it through many more together. That's what gets me because one of the biggest benefits of a relationship is having someone support you and have your back.

For anyone out there in an "in between" situation, I advise you to hang in there because I know I am. The fact is, only time will tell if a relationship will grow from your current set up. The good thing is, if your using your head and if the person your dating is ultimately a negative presence in your life, it shouldn't take too long to figure that out. Happy dating all!

In the dictionary, the word rebound is defined as "to bound or spring back from force of impact." So then it is no wonder why the same word is used when you began dating someone after a break up-your rebounding from the force of impact or the blow you were dealt during a break up.

But what exactly constitutes a rebound? I wondered this in my own dating situation. The guy I am currently dating suffered a break up not too long before he and I started dating a second time. So does that make me a rebound?

When debating this, it seems that time is the overall determining factor. How long did your current love interest wait before they started dating you? And is being a rebound actually a bad thing?

I think every situation is different. In my opinion there are good rebounds and bad rebounds. Rebounds of the good kind can occur after a break up where the relationship was particularly negative and draining and it's a relief that it's over. If your lucky enough to find someone that makes you happy so quickly after a disastrous relationship, more power to you. But if it's apparent that your using someone to make yourself feel better or "help you get over" your ex or vice versa, that has bad rebound written all over it.

Here are some things to look out for that should help you determine if your stuck in bad rebound-ville or on the train to pleasant relationship central:

1. Timing.

As mentioned before, timing can be a clear indicator as to whether your in a good or bad rebound situation. As I said, every situation is different. But if your dating someone who is two weeks out of their last relationship and their already talking about how they want to introduce you to their family, it's time to pump the brakes. After a break up, a person needs some time to breathe. I would give someone or yourself at least one to three months to clear the ruins of the recently deceased relationship and even then, I would be a little leery.

2. Level of communication with the ex.

I think the main reason why a potentially good rebound can go bad is because the person is not completely over there ex. One indication of this is whether or not they still talk to them on a regular basis. If your potential seems to be communicating with their ex every time the two of you are hanging out, I would be concerned.

3. How often the ex becomes the topic of conversation.

I think it's natural to discuss the ex..when it's warranted. I believe in the old adage "leave the past in the past." There's really no point in talking about why things didn't work with your ex unless someone asks you specifically. If your current belle or beau keeps bringing up things that went wrong while they were with their last love, it's clear they still have some issues they still need to work out-and it's clear they're not ready for a relationship. As Steven Ward (who is the host of VH1's reality show "Tough Love") says, "Talking about past relationships is like passing gas in public-it's best to pretend it never happened." Be cautious of this one, especially if it seems that bitter feelings are expressed.

These are just a few warning signs but I think these are the easiest to read. If you have a strong feeling that you may be in a bad rebound situation, don't be afraid to ask your current love interest some questions and express your concerns. Don't allow yourself to be second best when you deserve to be top pick. Happy dating all!

Long distance dating can be viewed as a nagging inconvenience-being far away from the one you love while trying to carry on in your daily life can sometimes be a difficult feat. But there are also some great benefits to having a relationship long distance and dare I say it, it can even be fun. And I ought to know.

I was in a relationship with someone for three years and a year and a half of that was spent long distance. Though we had many ups and downs in our relationship, we always made the distance work for us and it didn't affect us that much. One thing I greatly appreciated was knowing I had someone special in my life that supported me but that I could also focus on my daily priorities and get things done. I appreciated the fact that I had an equal mix of independence and relationship comfort.

Not to mention, I am contemplating entering into another long distance situation with another former boyfriend. But in my long distance relationship experience, I learned that there are certain critical factors that need to be in place to ensure a successful long distance dating situation. Here are some of the stipulations I am adhering to:

1. A strong connection to the individual is necessary.

Now this is a harsh fact, but when dating someone who is far away, there will be times you will wonder if it's worth the energy and money you will spend to maintain the relationship. So what determines whether it's worth it? In my opinion, a strong connection with someone is ultimately the deciding factor. And I'm not talking about connecting over a common interest in playing Guitar Hero; I'm talking about a mental, emotional and physical connection that is unique and apparent to both of you. Without this, it's going to be hard to justify traveling to see them on a regular basis. Make sure this is established.

2. Trust is imperative.

Any relationship without trust is a relationship doomed to fail. But with a long distance situation, trust is especially important. One of the down sides of LDD (Long Distance Dating) is that it may be easier to give into the temptation to cheat without your sweetness being any wiser, or vice versa. I'm not saying that trust completely shields either one of you from being a victim of this, but having a foundation of trust at least gives you a fighting chance as a long distance couple.

3. LDD arrangements will parish without sufficient communication.

This is definitely a challenge that I am facing in my current situation. As daters in our 20's, we have a number of obligations we have to attend to like school, work and extra curricular activities. With all of these factors constantly pulling for our attention, making communication with your far away amour a priority can get pretty complicated. But if you want your LDD situation to be successful, communication has to be important to both parties. Figure out the best time of the day for the two of you to communicate and allot that time on a daily basis, whether your having a phone conversation, texting, sexting, chatting, smoke signaling, whatever.

As long as you two have a foundation containing these three essential conditions, LDD success should be on the horizon. I'll leave you with a few more benefits of LDD:

1. Being long distance keeps the creative juices flowing in terms of making visiting each other fun. It keeps things fresh and breaks up the monotony that can be the everyday relationship.

2. In cases where a connection is strong, absence does make the heart grow fonder.

3. Done right, LDD allows you to keep your focus on important priorities like work, school and family and evenly balance that with a romantic relationship.

Designer Diane Von Furstenberg once said something along the lines of "Distance is to love what a wind is to fire. If it is a small fire, then the wind will blow it right out. But if it is a big fire, the wind only intensifies it."

Happy dating all!

I just found this article about being afraid to fall in love. Now it is from the Oprah magazine but it's interestingly written and discusses what we do to shield ourselves from intimacy. Enjoy!

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=18531338

I realized in my recent dating situation that I have a serious relationship problem: I over analyze situations entirely too much and end up sabotaging what could be a potential relationship. And the more I over analyze my over analyzing, the more I think that this is common problem among young daters, whether they realize it or not.

I've been continuing to see my ex and it's been going surprisingly good. It is quite possible that we are headed toward a second try at a relationship. But despite this, I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak; just waiting for disaster to strike or something bad to happen to ruin this whole situation.

Now in my fervor to over analyze, I've come to some other realizations and I know why I've continuously done this before and why it's happening now. Mostly it's because I'm terrified of getting hurt. This terror comes from my prior relationship, which also happened to be the first man I ever fell in love with.

I read an article once that said that your first love can affect your dating habits for the rest of your life. If that is true then I am completely screwed. My first and only serious relationship to speak of lasted three years and while there was some good times there was also some really bad times. One of the things my ex used to do was break up with me and then plead to get back together with me just a few days later. He did this countless times throughout our relationship and I could never say no to him because I loved him too much. Not to mention whenever we would have an argument, he would disappear for days leaving me worried and our conflict unresolved.

In addition to my minimal relationship history, my love life as a single for the last 2 and a half years has been about as successful as President Bush's eight years in office. The men I've dated have come and gone; I could have had relationships with some of them but I ended up pushing them away and shutting my emotions off. And while I've had a lot of fun being single and gotten some good laughs in the process, I know it's time for a change.

This time around with my ex feels different from most of the dating experiences I've had since I've been single. It's the first time in years that I've had a genuinely good feeling about a potential relationship. But he knows my concerns and he does know I'm worried; unfortunately I've discussed it with him at nauseum. I only hope he can be patient with me while I try to relax and let things just happen.

My fellow singles, I ask you, why do we do this to ourselves? That's the negative thing about past relationships: even when they are dead and gone, they still continue to follow you around like your own shadow. Some people can learn from their relationship ghosts and move on, while others struggle to come to terms with the things that caused them pain so they hold on to them as a form of protection. I don't want to allow my past to sabotage my present but I suppose at the very least I learned something from all of this; I didn't even think I had a problem until now. So I advise those out their grappling with their past to do their best to let go. Don't let past misery jeopardize your present and future happiness.

For the time being, I'm going to focus on taking my own advice. Good luck to you all out there. Happy dating all!

So I've been continuing to talk to my ex and I suppose it's going pretty good. There is really just one concrete issue that I have: he only likes to talk over text message.

I can't stand it. I'm a very verbally expressive person-I love to talk. No seriously, I talk faster then I can breathe. So the fact that I'm not having a few conversations with him a week over the phone bugs the hell out of me.

Right now I am cursing the day that text messaging ever became as standard a form of communication as a phone conversation. I blame it on highly advertised texting plans...you know the ones with unlimited texting, the ones practically screaming "PAY FOR ME MONTHLY AND TEXT UNTIL YOUR THUMBS FALL OFF!!!" Damn those cell phone companies.

Really, the text message issue boils down to a much bigger issue...I still don't feel like I can trust him. And the fact that the only time I get to hear his voice is when I see him face to face doesn't help matters. Using this form of communication, I am forced to speculate what's going on when he doesn't immediately return my text message, if it all. I am forced to spread getting information out all through the day instead of accomplishing it in one phone call.

Now men, take note: I am letting you in to the woman's psyche on this one. I can guarantee most women would feel exactly the same way I do. Also, chronically talking through text seems to be a gender specific issue. It seems men do not enjoy talking on the phone with their beloved unless they have something specific to say or their setting up plans.

I think what it comes down to is the fact that constantly conversing through text denies us the ability to do what we do (or at least what we think we do) best: gauge emotion. Without listening to the inflection of your words, we have no idea what you're feeling and those words on our cell phone morph into meaningless statements that we'll continue to look at and over analyze until we decide how you meant what you said and move on. It's one hell of a vicious cycle.

I probably sound like a scene out of the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." But I'm telling you, that's how the female mind works.

Communication was one of my ex and I's problems the last go around. I just hope that communication, along with the trust issues, will eventually improve.

I like to think that I am the kind of person that gives everyone the benefit of the doubt, even when they have done something to make me think differently about them. But this was put to the test recently when an ex-boyfriend with whom I had experienced a bad break up with suddenly came back into my life.

I received an email from him saying that he missed me and really wanted to know how I was doing. My first reaction was anger. "How could he have the balls to contact me again after everything we went through?," I asked myself (it had been just shy of a year since I had last spoken to him).

I emailed him demanding to know what he wanted after all this time and what had happened on his end that lead to the demise of our relationship. Within that day and night, emails turned into text messages and text messages turned into a phone call. I finally got a chance to say everything I ever needed to say to him; I got closure that I wasn't even aware I needed.

Then came the tough part: he told me he wanted me back. And though he had hurt me and though I knew I couldn't just let him waltz right back into my life as if nothing had happened, I couldn't just say no.

To further complicate things, I had relocated about four hours away so we couldn't just meet up and continue to talk things out. The next day I received a text message saying he really wanted to see me and that he was going to drive down that night.

We spent the weekend together, mostly just talking about everything that happened between us. We both determined that we each made some mistakes: I had put the pressure on him to be in a relationship with me even though mentally my head was not in the right place and I still had other issues I needed to confront; he didn't communicate with me sufficiently enough or give me enough attention and he also had other things he was dealing with. All of this resulted in our very short lived relationship, which in a sense died before it ever really began. Ultimately we decided to call it a wash and wipe the slate clean.

During the weekend, we ended up connecting in a way that we never had before. It was almost as if the timing was just right. It was clear that we were still the same people, but we both had learned valuable lessons from our pasts. When everything was said and done, we decided that we're going to just see how things go and take it slow.

It might sound like my dilemma is over but it's just beginning. Though things are good, I'm scared to trust him. A certain level of vulnerability is necessary to trust someone and when someone has hurt you before, all you have is that to go off of. Then again, a relationship without trust isn't a relationship. I'm afraid to let go of the past because it's all that's guarding me from future heartbreak. At the same time, I'm jeopardizing what could be a rewarding second chance.

So do I trust or walk away?

To be continued....

I don't know if I am the only one that notices this, but it seems like a lot of people are all of the sudden getting married. It seems everywhere I turn, people are getting engaged and rushing to the chapel, or rushing to plan a wedding in record time. I have already been obligated to three weddings this year, one of which I will be the maid of honor.

With all this wedding hubbub, I am forced to ask myself, "What is every one's hurry?" I think what disturbs me more about this trend is it's people my age and younger who are getting into it.

Now before I launch into my pessimistic marriage point of view, I feel I need to issue this disclaimer: I am not opposed to marriage. I think it is such a beautiful thing when two people decide to be together for the rest of their lives. I often think of how I would like my wedding to look and settling into a family someday. The key word in that sentence being "someday."

But the fact of the matter is, I am only 25. I am still growing and learning about myself and I would hate to get married now only to find that I will be completely incompatible in five years with the person I chose to marry. Studies have shown that people who choose to get married in their later twenties and early thirties have better success rates then those who marry younger.

Aside from statistics, I have already seen enough young marriages around me fail to know that I can wait if it means a better shot at success. Not to mention, all of the couples I've seen who have gotten married or are getting married (with the exception of the one wedding where I am the maid of honor) seem to have some ulterior motives besides true love for getting hitched in the first place.

The couple who's wedding I am in is one I consider the perfect example of what a couple getting married should be. The soon-to-be bride and groom have been together for five years, lived together for four and have an adorable 1 7-month-old son. They already own a house; the bride received a bachelor's degree last year and the groom has his own remodeling business. Now with the bride being 23, this is an exception to the rule.

I guess my point and my advice to young couples out there that are thinking about jumping the broom is to really think about why you want to get married right now. If your concerned that marriage is the only way to keep your presumed soul mate in your life, then he/she might not be the right one for you. It's just my belief that getting married for any other reasons besides wanting to love and spend the rest of your life with someone will have regrettable consequences. And I don't know about the rest of the early twenty somethings out there, but the idea of being a divorcee by age 30 completely freaks me out.

Here is a link from the Discovery Health Website debunking some of society's favorite divorce myths: http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/divorce.html

There are some people out there that ascribe to the saying, "Honesty is the best policy." I believe this saying is true....to an extent. Through my recent dating experience (looks like I'm back from my hiatus, thank you, thank you), I have learned that there is such a thing as being too honest. And the situation I was currently in had me jumping up and down on the TMI meter. But somehow I survived and managed to pick up a few tidbits of knowledge along the way. Here are a few things that men should never tell women they have just started dating:

1. The last time I had sex was the same night that we met.

When I asked the guy I was dating (we'll call him Paul) when the last time he had sex was, Paul responded "Last Saturday." It just so happened that the Saturday he was referring to was the same Saturday that we met. Turns out he had slept with a friend of his friend's girlfriend. And how do I know this? Because he told me, basically giving me play-by-play details on how he ended up in the sack with a woman he just met. I think this first tidbit is pretty self explanatory. Women appreciate honesty-but not the same brand of honesty you use with your best guy friends.

2. The only reason I've been interested in women is to f**k them.

This is what was basically said to me verbatim. Now guys, here's something you need to know about women: we're not stupid. We know that men are more likely to have more sexual partners and we also know that men are much more likely to have sex without tying in their emotions. But the fact is, we really don't need to hear about it. Women find self respect and dignity attractive in a man, so if you want to appear to have these qualities, do not divulge this information.

3. I've never had a girlfriend/serious relationship.

This tip is truly dependent on your circumstances but for the most part is universal. Nothing is more attractive to a woman then seeing a man who can commit. Obviously, when a man has a committed relationship/s under his belt, in a woman's eyes, there is the possibility that he is able to have another one. So if the above statement is true, whether you have just never been able to commit to one woman and would like to or you've just never had a girlfriend period, find some way to temporarily avoid the question. Something like "I'll tell you more about it once we start talking more" is a good one because not only are you masking your non-existent relationship history, but your letting her know that you want to continue getting to know her.

I hope my horror stories will help those guys out there who are walking the tight rope between honesty and full disclosure. Remember, it's good to be honest with a woman your dating but you don't have to tell her everything. Even if she says she wants to know everything about you, there are just some things better left unsaid. Happy dating all!

With dating in today's day and age, it's safe to assume that everyone comes with a past. Everyone has their own set of baggage unique to their own life path. So it's also safe to say that the process of dating is basically when two people take a look inside that baggage and try to determine how many items they are each willing to accept, or at least tolerate.

But exactly how much baggage is too much baggage? This is a question I recently had to ask myself.

Obviously, I met a guy. Now if I had a type, this guy is probably it-looks, personality, positive attitude, honesty-after taking it all in, I assessed that this is a pretty decent guy. It also seems like he's got his act together-he works full time, goes to school and attends the gym regularly. So what is the fly in the ointment you ask? I'll tell you.

There are some things in his past that I am not completely comfortable with. Now I won't get into the details, but it's not the usual set of relationship baggage a person comes with, like a previous marriage or kids or infidelity or a psycho ex. It's baggage I've never dealt with before. And though it appears that he has done almost a complete reversal and made large efforts at growing and changing, I still fear that if we got involved, he might revert back to some of his old ways.

I have been questioning whether or not I can completely handle it all or if it's just too much. I did reiterate to him that I would not tolerate any of his old behavior and he said he respected that and liked that I made that clear.

So how do you assess how much baggage is too much? Here are some strats that I am currently using:

1. Determine whether it's baggage or a red flag.

Sometimes it's hard to determine whether the emotional baggage one is toting is just that, or if it is a red flag that the situation and your potential flame aren't right for you. The best way to figure this out is to evaluate whether their past baggage has a present place in their life. If it's clear that they have stowed their baggage away and moved on, it's safe to say it's just plain baggage. But if you don't see much of a difference between who they say they were in the past and who they are now, I would qualify that as a red flag that something is amiss.


2. Reserve your judgements.

The fact is, the situation that my possible beau was faced with is not all that uncommon from things I have seen others close to me go through. So to judge him, I would have to judge them as well and even dare I say it, myself. Attempt to reserve your judgements until it is absolutely necessary.

I know it can be difficult to accept a not so favorable past along with a favorable person. Assessing the situation can help you determine whether you should stick around and rummage through the baggage, or pack up and heave home. Only when you and your paramour's baggage can be dealt with compatibly can their be true relationship bliss. Happy dating all!

Recently, after I realized that I suffered from a serious addiction to McDonald's Sausage McMuffins among other delicious fast foods, I decided to actually start taking care of myself, eat healthy and start working out. I got a membership at my local gym and also signed up for a few personal training sessions (Mostly because I'm kind of a ditz when it comes to knowing how to work the weight lifting machines and I didn't want to make a fool out of myself.)

I figured I would be matched up with the stereotypical, boxy, scary muscled trainer like the ones you see on TV, so I didn't have to worry about being attracted to him (I specified that I wanted a male trainer because I think they push you harder.) Then came D-Day, the day I met my trainer and I was very surprised. He wasn't anything I had envisioned. Now he's not what I would call "thank-you-Jesus fine," but I do find him attractive. I was also intrigued by him because we share a very personal factor in common: we both lost our youngest sister's to serious diseases.

I instantly wanted to know more about him and I've extracted a little bit of information, but I'm not trying to come on too strong. Nothing makes for an awkward situation like hitting on someone you not only have to see regularly, but that you are also paying only to have them reject you. Still from what I've gathered, we have some interesting things in common.

My trainer-crush got me thinking about whether or not trainer's are even allowed to date their clients. After a little research (Surprisingly there were articles available on the subject), I found that there are no laws saying they can't date their clients, but gyms and fitness centers often create their own standards sternly warning against it.

I think I find this interesting because of two factors: 1) Personal training has to do with how our bodies look. Most times, when someone is interested in acquiring a personal trainer, it's because they want to make their bodies more aesthetically pleasing to the eye. A personal trainer has to take note of a person's body, analyze it and examine how it looks in order to best serve the client's needs. Considering this, isn't it just human nature every once in awhile to be attracted to to a client and vice versa? And 2) Most of the time, personal trainers are hot. And I think they kind of have to be...I mean, would you take a personal trainer seriously if he had a beer belly, a five o'clock shadow and appeared to be in desperate need of a shower?

Aside from this, there's the space factor. Trainers have to get in your bubble sometimes in order to properly train you. Now I'm not pro hooking-up-with-your-trainer here, but the majority of the articles I read seemed to completely disregard what I think is simply human nature. It's slightly similar to actors who hook up while on location shooting a movie.

I think the only thing that would concern me is how hooking up with your trainer would change the dynamic of your sessions. The power issue is at play here, because trainers have a sense of authority to their clients and it seems hooking up with them would humanize them in a way or demean that authority. The research that I read states that if a trainer is interested in a client, they should wait until they are not a client anymore to pursue it further. If the trainer/client relationship has already turned romantic, then the trainer needs to transfer the client to another trainer. I think I'm just fascinated by the dynamic of it all, the sensitive nature of something that in everyday life would seem harmless.

As far as my situation goes, I'm going to keep it professional. But if flirting on both parties starts to ensue, I'm not responsible for my actions :).

With Valentine's Day just one week away, it seems everyone is clamoring to find someone who will make them feel special and loved. I am finding within this build up before the big day, a trend is developing: receiving random text messages from people you previously dated or friends you no longer talk to.

I myself have received such text messages from two different people, one of which I dated a little over a year ago. Fielding these text messages has made me realize that this holiday does leave a lot of lonely hearts feeling even more inadequate and alone. This is the first Valentine's Day where I can honestly say that I have looked outside my own cupid-induced inadequacies to see other people suffering. And I must say, it pisses me off.

I hate to sound like a bitter single, but I hate that this holiday makes people feel like their lives are lacking without someone special. Now I don't know about you, but my Valentine's Day's were always awesome in elementary school because it was an equal playing field: everyone got a Valentine's Day card and candy from everyone else. No one ever had to face rejection. Who knows, maybe if our elementary school teachers forced us to be more selective and taught us how to face rejection then, it would be easier on us adults now.

Finding someone has become almost a competitive sport in today's society. It seems to me that there is something insinuated in everything from advertisements for dating Websites, to jewelry commercials to the Valentine's Day section of your local Hallmark store: If you are alone, your life must suck. But I am here to tell you, being single freakin rocks.

Kat Williams put it so eloquently in his special "Kat Williams Live" when he said something along the lines of: "Single people think their the sh*t. And we are, we really are. If your out and someone asks you 'when are you going home?' You say 'whenever the f**k I want to go home!'"

If your looking for some other positives about single life on this holiday besides the general greatness of it, consider these perks:

1. You save a ton of money because you don't have to go balls-to-the-wall purchasing gifts for someone else.

2. There isn't the added pressure of making sure your Valentine's Day is perfect; you can just relax and enjoy yourself.

3. There is nothing better then going out and getting completely sloshed with the rest of your single friends.

4. Best of all, Valentine's Day is just another day you get to treat yourself to some ridiculously indulgent things, whether it's some new clothes or that pricey gadget you've had your eye on.

I do hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day, whether your in a relationship or not. Regardless, don't let this holiday stress you out or affect your self worth. Remember it's just one day a year.

There comes a time in every singles life where it becomes apparent that you haven't dated or had a serious relationship in a long time. This usually occurs when someone else points it out to you. And one way someone points it out to you is by suggesting a blind date.

And thus yesterday, that is how I became aware of my chronically single status.

My sister asked me if she could set me up on a blind date with a personal trainer at her gym. It was the first time I ever got the "Let me set you up on a blind date" line. As soon as she asked me, I cringed at the thought. Not just because the idea of subjecting myself to the scrutiny of someone who doesn't even know me sounds like torture, but because I know what being single at my age means now.

I am just weeks away from my 25th birthday. And though I am content being single (it took me awhile to get there), I can tell my family and friends want me to find someone and maybe even settle down a little bit. My three sisters are pretty much all dating or in a relationship with someone, even my parents have moved on to new relationships. And I am still single.

I think this troubles them the same way that it used to get to me. But before 2008 ended, I cleaned all of the skeletons of my past out of my closet and for the first time in years, I felt super comfortable being single. Now it's to the point where I prefer it. But I think it hurts me to see my family hurt for me because I'm alone.

I just wonder, is there a certain age when people expect you to settle down with someone? And why does it seem so weird when someone wants to focus on their goals, like work and school, instead of focusing on a romantic partner? And how much longer are people going to try and set me up on blind dates?

I figure when the right person comes along, it just happens, that's why I don't sweat it anymore. So I guess I just have to be prepared for more offers for blind dates. Then again, I do love a good personal trainer.....to be continued :)....

I recently read an article that talked about how the memories of your first love can interfere with all of your proceeding relationships. Specifically it stated that the power and the magic of first love can create a certain standard that all of your future relationships will have to live up to, resulting in unrealistic expectations. And thus, very high standards are born.


It's interesting how people end up with standards higher then Mount Everest. I find that usually reasons behind someones high standards fit into one of two categories: A) They were in a relationship where someone was so great to them, they expect that from every person they date or B) Their parents taught them that they deserve better than the best. I myself fall somewhere in the middle.


I've had some of those great dating experiences that set the bar pretty high for any other prospective suitors in my life. Not to mention, my parents did raise me to believe that I was, in the words of Christian Siriano from Project Runway, kind of a big deal. I am picky but I do consider myself to be pretty open minded-what can I say, I'll try anything once.

So how do you know if your raising the bar too high? Look out for these warning signs:

1. You refuse to date someone because of the tiniest physical imperfection.

Thick upper lip hair, fine. A protruding beer belly, okay I could understand that. But if your penalizing a guy for having hair in all the normal places, or a girl for having big feet, that's just picky and mean.

2. They're not enough like your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend.

This is more common then you would think. Sometimes, individuals will find themselves attracted to someone because they remind them of a great ex they were once with. Usually in these cases, the ex was the one that did the breaking up. Well I have news for those in this situation: no one is ever going to be like that amazing ex. You'll have to either try to work it out with them or move on.

3. You immediately dump someone after finding out something about them that you "kind of" don't like.

Sometimes when your dating someone, you'll run into a speed bump I like to refer to as a deal breaker. Deal breakers for some include your prospect having a child, an ex they are still extremely close to, or having a recent televised profile on America's Most Wanted. But dumping someone whose hobbies might include playing video games or someone who might have an occasional yen for sushi and yoga? At that rate, you might as well get used to commiserating with that one online chat buddy you have that seems to understand you because your gonna be alone for awhile.

I hope this helps you re-evaluate whether or not your being too hard on your dating pool. Remember to take a good look at yourself and know that you, like your prospects, are not perfect. Try to be more open minded about what's out there-you might be surprised at what you find...or not...that's the fun thing about being open minded. Happy dating all!

I once had an English professor tell our entire class that, the longer a person is single, the more sexual partners they will rack up (why we were discussing this in an English class is beyond me.) This is a fact that single, sexually active people in their twenties and beyond will have to face. And once you factor in the risk of STD's and pregnancy as well as the desire for a deeper emotional connection with your sexual partner, having sex with someone your casually dating may not look like a viable option.

Knowing this, some adults practice abstinence. Now I think what intrigues me about the concept of already sexually active adults stopping their sexual activity is all of the stigmas that people seem to apply to it. Yeah, abstinence isn't a ton a fun, but many of the stereotypical reasons for partaking in it are not that widespread, especially when it comes to the 20 somethings age group.

One common misconception is that everyone who practices abstinence chooses to do so for religious reasons. Another misconception is that you have to be a virgin to practice abstinence. But the fact of the matter is, there are plenty of adults out there who were previously sexually active and decided to abstain from having sex...at least until the right person comes along. Now you might be asking, how do I know this? Well, for starters, I'm one of those people.

I haven't had a serious relationship in a little over two years now and since then I have dated a few guys. And though I did allow myself to be intimate with some of them, I found that I was unfulfilled because none of them turned out to be long term relationship prospects. I used to be a very sexually liberated thinker when it came to satisfying your needs even if your not in a committed relationship with someone. But I suppose since I have gotten older, it doesn't seem worth it to give myself sexually to someone who doesn't have deeper feelings for me and vice versa. So I decided to abstain. Clearly, I'm not a virgin and though I am a person of faith, I did not decide to abstain for any religious reasons.

Some minor slip ups aside, I have been abstinent for almost a year now. Mind you, I am a woman who very much enjoys sex and anything sexual so it has not been easy by any means. But I definitely have and continue to gain piece of mind knowing that I am not only being safer, but am also waiting for the right person as well as a committed relationship. So how do you decide if abstinence is right for you?

One thing you have to understand is that it's going to take commitment. As I have experienced, there will be many chances to give in to your temptations and especially after a number of months has passed, it's not always easy to say no. Since Mrs. or Mr. Right is not always around the corner, make sure you can confidently make that commitment for the long haul.

And what happens if you do meet someone? Explaining to someone that you are abstaining from sex until your in a relationship can be difficult because you don't want to scare off or intimidate someone you really like. If your comfortable divulging you abstinent status, just be real and honest about your reasons. In the case you are not comfortable, just let that person know that you really want to wait until your in an exclusive dating arrangement with them to have sex. Sometimes using the word "abstinence" is what throws people off.

And for the record, I think another fallacy about abstinence is that women are the only ones participating in it. But guess what? The only other abstinent people I've met have been men. Chew on that for a bit.

Hopefully this helps you pass that proverbial fork in the road between staying sexually active or taking up abstinence. And for those who decide to take the scenic sexually active route, remember, protect yourself. Or as I like to say "Wrap that rascal!" Happy dating all!

You know what I hate? The awkwardness that exists when you just start getting to know someone. Specifically when you start to really like someone and you have no idea about how you should pursue it further. You frequently wonder, "How often should I call him/her? Should I ask him/her to hang out, or should I just wait for him/her to ask? What if I pursue him/her too much and end up looking like a freakin desperate nutbag?"

This experience varies for guys and girls, which is often why things get lost in translation, so to speak. The big theory in scoring your Mr. or Ms. Right Now and transitioning into an exclusive dating arrangement is this: you have to play games to get there. In my experience, playing games just results in the situation stalling or imploding.

So how do you pursue someone while avoiding the game-playing route or if you just have no game? I came up with some of my own suggestions:

1. Find a balance between pursuance and relaxation.

This is the hardest thing of all to master. It's my observation that when you really like someone and are interested in having a relationship with this someone, there is a slight sense of urgency; almost like you have to snag them quickly before someone else does. And it's hard for me to even admit but this sense of urgency often stems from our own insecurities(i.e., "Do they like me? Am I good enough for them?," etc). It's easy when you don't know any better to either call/text/email someone too much or not communicate enough. I think at least hitting someone with a text every two to three days is sufficient. A simple "How is your day going?" can actually go a long way. The best way to figure out if the other party is genuinely interested is if communication between you two gradually progresses from text messages and emails, to phone conversations and face-to-face encounters. If over a period of time your continuing to communicate with a person, say two weeks to a month and you feel like your not getting the same amount of communication back, it's time to move on.

2. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Do you know one great way to get better at dating and increase your game? Practice, practice, practice! Sometimes we get so excited about one great person that we've just started getting to know that all of our our romantic focus and attention goes on that one person. And when you go gaga like that for one gal or guy, it's easy to develop anxiety when you don't hear from them or they don't seem to be into you. You have to get out there, expand your horizons and meet new people. If your unclear about how to do that, a great way is to get involved in some type of volunteer work (Habitat for Humanity is a good example). Also, asking friends to set you up with one of their friends is another way. Now all though I am extremely guilty of this myself, I have to provide you with this disclaimer: Try to avoid meeting new people at clubs or bars. Sometimes this is unavoidable and I have heard success stories, but more often than not people you end up meeting while your getting snokered at the bar or club only have potential for one thing. So if your interested in more than that one thing, try to abstain from it as much as possible.

3. Don't be afraid to be who you are.

I find in the beginning stages of dating, people either hide things about themselves or tell little white lies to make themselves look better or more desirable to their hypothetical amour. Now I know I probably sound like every dating advice column when I say this, but you have to have confidence in yourself. You have to know that you, flaws and all, are a great catch and that they would be lucky to have you. The fact is, when that person got your number and started communicating with you, they saw something they liked. Have faith in yourself and don't be afraid to reveal something because your afraid it might change how they see you. The one you ultimately end up in a fulfilling relationship with is going to be the one who loves and accepts who you truly are inside. The one that can't accept you for who you are is not the right one for you.

I hope this assists those out there in taking their first wobbly steps toward what could be a great dating experience. And don't worry, I'm right along side of you blindly stumbling down the same path. Be brave. Happy dating all!

So I just found another article about my guilty pleasure of surifng Craigslist ads. It's almost the exact same thing I had just blogged about. Do you see where I would be if I was actually an employed writer?


http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2008639534_platonic17m.html

Okay, so I posted the link to the article which is responsible for my guilty pleasure: cruising the Craigslist.com personals. Maybe after you read it, you too will end up surfing these ads out of curiosity....

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28057143/

Recently, I've been thinking about how friends, specifically male and female sets of friends, become more than friends. This can be a sticky and delicate situation, depending on the nature of the friendship. Now I don't consider myself an expert in every dating situation, but if there is any situation I am very knowledgable on, it's this one. I've been there enough times to know it should be handled carefully, but to know how to handle it really depends on how your friendship started in the first place.

I think one of the most common ways male/female friendships start is through dating. Maybe you were dating a girl or guy and it didn't end up working out, but they were such great people that you decided to stay friends. However sometimes, you can be friends with a guy/girl and over a certain period of time, feelings develop. This is where things get tricky. And unfortunately, I've been there a couple of times.

I have a lot of guy friends, but there was one in particular I was friends with for a long time. He and I talked and confided in each other about some of our most personal feelings and experiences. I did not start out having feelings for him but over time, I realized what an amazing guy he was. It took me a long time to see it but when I finally did, I wasn't sure what to do.

Sadly, I let my cowardess get the best of me and I never told him how I felt. The fact is, I cared about him so much as a friend that I wasn't willing to jepordize our friendship in order to find out if he might feel the same way.

It did get me thinking though, if you do get the courage to tell a friend that you have deeper feelings for them, what is the best way to do that? I came up with some of my own guidelines:

1. Evaluate whether or not you are willing to take the risk.

In a friendship, there is a certain comfort level already established because you have shared things with that person and been there for each other. But the important thing to understand if you decide to confess romantic feelings to a friend is that romantic feelings come with a completely new territory. And it might be a territory that your friend is not entirely comfortable seeing you in. You have to evaluate two things in this situation: A) How they might react. If you are good enough friends with someone, you should be able to gauge how they will respond once you tell them how you feel and B)Whether you're willing to risk the friendship. This is a hard reality, but sometimes after amorous feelings have been put out there, things can get so awkward that the friendship eventually ends. You have to determine whether you are willing to either sacrifice the friendship to find out if he/she has feelings for you, or sacrifice your feelings in order to maintain your friendship. Evaluating these factors will provide you with an airbag against any negative results.

2. Figure out the best way to concede your true feelings.

Confessing to someone that you have romantic feelings for them is never easy. But once you have summoned up the courage to do so (and God bless those that do), you want to make sure that you say everything you need to say and express it clearly so the other person understands where your coming from. One thing that helps me in any confession-of-feelings type situation is writing them a letter or email. By going this route, you have the option of editing what you want to say while at the same time saying everything that you need to. Sometimes in a face to face interaction like this, we get so nervous that we forget to say something really important. If you are brave enough to sit down and express your feelings in person, don't be afraid to make a list of everything you want to talk about or write them a letter and read it to them. Most importantly, make it clear what your intentions are for your friendship, whether you want to remain friends with that person or not.

I hope this helps someone out there conquer their fears and finally find out how someone may or may not feel about them. The thing is, you will never know until you ask.....and sometimes risks like this can pay off in even greater ways then you've ever imagined. Sorry for the corny fairy tale ending, but it's true dammit. Happy dating all!

I recently read an article written by a young female journalist writing for "Today" about how she found a life on Craigslist. In the article, she goes in depth about how she was able to find jobs, apartments, furniture and even eventually, a man. Her early success in finding these things led to a Craigslist-perusing obsession and she was constantly on the Website, voicing her opinions on the discussion boards and buying a bunch of crap she didn't need from whom ever was selling it.


What stood out to me in all of this was the "finding a boyfriend on Craigslist" part. Apparently, she began cruising the "Platonic" section of the Website looking for friends when she first moved to New York, and that's how she met her current beau. This intrigued me because I, like her, have pretty much found the big, important things, like a job and an apartment, on Craigslist.


So it got me thinking, can you really find a girlfriend/boyfriend on Craigslist?


The fact of the matter is, I would never have the guts to post an ad in the Platonic section or otherwise. I'm a firm believer in face to face meetings...hell, even the thought of a blind date makes me queezy.

But just out of curiosity, I started looking looking at these ads. At first when I looked at the Men Seeking Women section, I was horrified at some of the ads that I found. Some of them were incredibly derogatory. But the more I began to look at the ads in all the sections, I realized it was a lot like slowing down to look at a car crash: you know it's wrong, but you can't help but look. And for the most part, the people who have pictures accompanying the ads look pretty normal.

It says something to me about loneliness. Looking at some of the ads, I couldn't help but feel bad. Some of them just seemed like they wanted a friend to talk to (that could be me being naive). But these ads also say something about advertising yourself; whether your saying "I can make a great friend," "I can make a great boyfriend/girlfriend" or "I can make a great lover." And I might be a prude for saying this, but the fact that someone can advertise their search for a friend, etc. the same way they can advertise for a job or a piece of furniture is astounding to me.

Still, I will continue to look through the ads with that same mixture of horror and curiosity, all the while feeling guilty....

Take notice of the songs to the right. This is a small list I compiled of make-up, break up and hook up songs I like and thought some of you might also like. I will add and subtract different songs from the list as time goes on. For your listening pleasure.....enjoy!!

And so it has already begun....that frantic time where singles are crunched to find a Valentine between now and February 14th . I have already heard the incessant rumblings of that rush to meet someone new so they too can get they're candy and bouquet of flowers and prove that they are in fact, desirable.

In case you haven't caught it yet, when it comes to this holiday, I'm a pessimist.

Maybe it's because I have ever only had a Valentine twice in my lifetime...and both times were disasters. Maybe it's because I am traumatized from my sixth grade experience when I asked a guy to be my boyfriend on this very holiday with a Valentine-O-Gram sent to his classroom and he had a classmate meet me and tell me "he said no" (that one stung a little bit.) But honestly, I think it's because I am one of those singles on that crunch.

Now I pride myself on being an independent person, not necessarily wanting or needing a relationship. But it's my belief that Valentine's Day brings out a truth in everyone that not a lot of people want to confront: No one really wants to be alone. On this holiday, that reality is thrust into our faces and we have no choice but to deal with it in some way, whether we are successful in our pursuit of a Valentine or not. And even for the most experienced single, this is, for lack of a better term, a hard pill to swallow.

I have no idea how I feel about this upcoming Valentine's Day. If I do end up with a Valentine, I'd like to keep it low key....maybe just cook dinner together and hang out in front of the old boob tube and talk. That brings me to another warning I want to bring to everyone's attention......if you have a Valentine...are you listening?.....DON'T OVER DO IT!!! (Ladies, this is mostly targeted towards you.) Sometimes, we are so exicted to have a Valentine that we go psycho about everything being perfect (I'm speaking from unfortunate experience.) Just remember, underneath all of that commercialized mumbo jumbo, your celebrating being in the presence of that other person. Don't worry too much about all the details of the day and just go with the flow.

Now this brings me to my warning for men.....if your intended says she doesn't care about Valentine's Day or she says she wants to pretend like it's not even Valentine's Day, she's lying. Truth is, she is expecting you to come up with some creative way to celebrate that day with her, whether it's a special dinner, a poem you wrote for her, or just spilling your guts about how much she means to you. At the very least, us women expect some flowers and a card. If you don't do any of the above, especially after she has done something for you, get used to the dog house being your permanent residence.

As for those single twenty somethings out there who are still card-carrying members of the Lonely Hearts Club, don't fret. There is still plenty of time to ask that guy or girl you've been flirting with on the sly to be your Valentine. And if you don't end up with someone on this holiday, there will be plenty of days in the year where you probably will have someone.

And remember, I'm a member too.

Happy dating all!

I recently had an experience where I was waiting for a guy I had recently met to call me. He was the first single, attractive and seemingly stable guy I had met in ages so naturally I was a little excited about it. Three days passed...still no phone call or text message. It got me thinking about the 'phone call waiting game.' How long after you meet someone do you wait to contact them? After asking around, I found that men and women have different ideas about the waiting period. Judging from the few opinions I got from the women's point of view, some women believe that 2-3 days is the standard time to wait to contact someone...at least that's what they expect from the guy who got their number. Some women even believe that if a guy doesn't send you a text message that same night simply saying something like "Glad I got to talk to you," they are just plain rude. The men I spoke to on the other hand say it depends on a couple of different factors: A) What day they met you. Say for example if they met you on a Friday, some guys will wait until that next Friday to call you so they can set up a time to hang out with you. Waiting for the weekend can be seen as more convenient. And then there's B) Whether there is any sports on that week. Now I know most women think this is a bs excuse (that was my first reaction), but the guys I talked to take it seriously. Once again, if you met on a Friday, any major televised sports events happening over the weekend could hinder them from dialing your number. But the general consensus I got from every guy I talked to is this: There is no standard time you wait to call someone after you've met them, contrary to popular belief.

By the way, the guy I gave my number to ended up being a tool and gave my number to his friend who in turn tried to text me for a booty call on Christmas Eve no less. Needless to say he got an ear full from not only me, but my friends as well. Until next time...